This past week has been a roller coaster… but not like you would expect it to be.
I had kidney stones at the end of last week and had to visit the ER for pain relief and a CT to make sure it was indeed kidney stones causing my pain. The ER was a mess – I didn’t get pain relief for about 3 hours, and was vomiting in pain.
Kidney stones have a very specific pain. And they are not fun, at all.
I dealt with my son’s music teacher, she was causing some scheduling issues and she broke a few strings on my son’s guitar, after I paid $30 for them to be replaced earlier that week. I was pissed, so I taught myself how to change the strings and got an app to help me tune it. I know it seems like something small, but I wear hearing aids, so I don’t trust my tuning anymore.
Anyways, we switched our home school curriculum a few weeks ago and we are doing AMAZING using it. There is less stress… my son really loves the coding program, and I am getting used to the program finally. School isn’t so hard anymore… and I think we can do this.
I struggle with they way I think…. am I doing the right thing for my child? Should I put him back in public school? And then I get reminded how horrible our experience was, and how little support we actually got. Yes we had meetings but things were not followed through… he was being left behind.
I know I am doing the right thing, I just need to remind myself of this.
In the mean time, I am going to order some pre-K materials for next year. I have decided to do pre-K at home for my daughter when she turns 2, she’s bright. And we can do home learning with her until kindergarten and then we can decide if we will home school her or not.
In the mean time – I met my new neighbor, BOTH of them. The one who lives directly next door to us has kids near my son’s age. So they may actually hang out! I am excited!
In the mean time, I have been working on things with my husband and I. For a while, with all the stresses going on, we were just stressing. But I feel like there has been a door opened between us.. just these last few months have been really eye opening. I have been trying to figure stuff out with my medication for my depression to help me out in my own mind…
I still have depression pretty bad – it keeps me up at night. But that’s life.
I have not really seen any of my friends lately IRL ,and my online ones seem distant at times but I feel okay about it because the changes in my life in general feel positive. I have actually had the urge to organize things in my house – and I am trying to make time between home schooling and taking care of a toddler to do that.
Our dog is better behaved and now she has gotten used to our neighbors dogs and barks less at them. She hasn’t caused any chaos this week.
I am trying to complete the planning for our vacation – just need to plan the itinerary.
I can’t grant forgiveness.
I know it seems silly but it’s what is going on right now. We discuss this every so often – “do you want to forgive them?” and I get a “Not yet” or a “No I am still mad at them.”
Recently I got a, “They don’t treat you right, they never have…” kind of response. And I have to respect his decision to not grant forgiveness. I personally am still mad about the situation but I can forgive and move on. I personally don’t like to dwell on topics. And I don’t have to see them too often anyways.
But he is a little different, there are many things he is upset about the situation that took place a few months ago. And I can’t force him to forgive, especially if he is not ready to forgive.
I wonder how long it will take him. He isn’t wrong. They do treat me like shit, and honestly I don’t forgive them for what they said about my child.
I dislike people like them. And I personally do not miss the get together. I know it meant something to my husband though, so I care about his feelings. I know we will never be a group again and so does he. But the people who betrayed us, were family. And eventually it needs to be brought up, and forgiven, even if the forgiveness is only skin deep.
I have to keep reminding myself though, this can’t be forced.
I love my husband. I trust him to never hurt me, or our children. Yes I complain about him sometimes, because he lacks certain knowledge about my depression or maybe its my depression making me lack understanding of him, and what he has to deal with daily. What ever it is, he’s good to me. We get along, we understand each other.
This bump in the road made us closer – to be honest.
We have had more talks concerning family matters – and we have straightened out a few subjects that needed to be talked about. I feel less stressed about certain things and for once, at home things are going better with my son’s homeschooling. I haven’t been writing much because – well – I just didn’t feel like it.
I have depression and sometimes the only thing I can write about are my feelings, and even I get sick of my own feelings.
I would like to write more about what’s going on finally.
We found a curriculum that I am happy with – my son likes it and there is less struggle with teaching him it. Its mostly on the computer- so I don’t have to do A LOT of the teaching, but I have to reinforce some lessons with paperwork and I am getting into some subjects with him that are not offered, but I want to teach him… because with his ADHD and other issues, he needs some extra help.
My son started playing the guitar this last month, he takes lessons now. My daughter started walking last month, and she is in music therapy twice a month now. I have lost 10 lbs since starting my diet and am struggling to lose more than that, but I know I can get back on track.
And finally – we are going on a vacation soon enough. I will write about it eventually, but we plan to see Yellowstone with the kids and we are renting a house, so we get to bring the dog with us as well. She can’t come “TO” Yellowstone but she can go pretty much anywhere else we go, so that will be nice.
I have been reassured by friends and family that I am doing the right thing for my son, and I am thankful for that support I received. Unlike a “friend” who said I pretty much had no right to teach my own child bc I am not a teacher – (the school system failed my son, and many other parents agree with taking this path). Home schooling is not for everyone. Public school is not for everyone.
But – the more we do this – the more I would like to home school my daughter. It might be an option, if we stay in Albuquerque, I don’t like the school system here. It’s crap. I want the best for my children. And for those of you who say home schooled children can’t function… My cousins were home schooled. And one of them just became a nurse… another is a pilot. So I think we can have success.
I will be updating more often I hope. I just have a lot on my brain.
I don’t have many fears. I am not afraid of heights, or going too fast. But I fear regretting something for the rest of my life. Making a decision that will live with me forever… you can’t turn back time.
I don’t regret many things I have done. I don’t regret meeting my ex…my son’s father. With out meeting him, with out his lies… my son would not be around… and I love my children. It’s regretting about paths I didn’t take in my life, like where I moved, why I moved, people I have lost due to the moves…. just normal regrets…
But honestly in the time the decisions were made, they seemed like the best option. I am forced to know that I could have had more time with a friend I moved further away from, but he sadly passed away from health complications with his cystic fibrosis. I miss him and regret the time we missed together. He would have probably still passed away…its the time together I miss…the memories we could have had. But then again… it would have altered other parts of my life.
Of course I have other fears, like losing family. I lost my nephew when he was only 1 yr 5 months 8 days old… when I was a teenager. It was one of the biggest losses I had felt in my young age. My uncle was murdered back in 1999, another loss. These two deaths shaped how I grew.
The death of my other uncle…in the hospital I worked at… changed me. I was not very close to this uncle but had been checking on him daily to keep him company. I got a call to go to his room because hospice said he had very little time left. I went to his room and held his hand as he died. My family didn’t make it in time to see him pass or to comfort him. It was my first close up encounter with death. I do not regret being there for him.
I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing though….
When I got to his room he was in obvious pain, struggling to breath. The nurse said to me that they could give him morphine to help him not suffer, but that there was nothing they could do for him. He was passing…but that the morphine could make him pass sooner…. My mother was about an hour away or so… my grandma was on her way too. But I told the nurse to make my uncle comfortable. I told her I could not let him suffer.
In return… I was the only one there from my family. I felt like I had stolen moments from my family, but who is to say how long he would have lived to see my mom or my grandma… he was in pain and dying. I told the chaplain that I just wanted him to not suffer.
I regret having to make the decision. But … I don’t regret the next things I did. I called his ex wife, whom he recently reconnected with and let her say her goodbyes to him. I held his hand until I saw him stop breathing…and then I waited some more and had the nurse call the doctor to officially call his time of death.
My mother felt bad that I had to be there alone, but I felt worse that she didn’t get to say goodbye. My mother knows the decisions I had to make and no one has ever accused me of stealing their time with my uncle. But I hurt sometimes thinking about it.
I regret not being able to visit my husband’s grandmother a few more times before she passed away, but I do not regret sneaking the kids in 2 days before she passed away. She got to see both the kids one last time. She told me how beautiful my daughter was, and asked me to get her out of the hospital and take her home. That’s one thing we couldn’t do… and I regret she couldn’t pass away at her home…
Again, I don’t regret too many things…just things that are more permanent. i do not regret leaving certain people… old friends who didn’t support me, ex’s who cheated on me, not every move I made ended in regret.
I regret trusting certain people – but that was my own stupidity. I regret not getting help sooner for my depression. I let it almost snuff me out. So many people knew back then … but did nothing. I regret not being more honest with myself. I regret letting people step on me. I used to be so strong. But sometimes I get so worn down by this depression… I know depression lies.
I regret not writing more. I regret not taking more photos. My writers block has been back. It has been horrible. I have been trying to fill my creative cup again but it’s been hard.
My family has had a lot change over this past half year. And it’s been very stressful. We have had horrible friends…horrible family members and then it all broke down. All of a sudden my husband and I got closer… because of these things that tried to tear us apart. The horrible friends are gone now. Our horrible family members never apologized to us and they have been locked out of our lives for now. And I am leaving it up to my husband on when he wants to hear from them.
This year one thing did happen that I truly love. My sister who has been absent from my life, contacted me. I had been reaching out to her by sending her photos of my youngest child monthly, until she finally reached back out to me. We may not be the best of friends but I have her back. For anyone who thinks its strange to not talk to your sibling for years… I did not grow up with my siblings…only my one brother. I am one of six…
I know I am opening up here tonight. I just really need to write. My brain has just felt so pressured. My husband and I finally planned a trip with the kids and the dog coming up soon. I will write about it once it has happened.
I feel bad that my husband lost his friends because they were not willing to discuss things with us, and decided to kick my son out of their group get together. My son just turned 11 by the way. We were told he was kicked out via text… by a family member. It hurt us…because we thought maybe these people respected us more. But it really was a dagger in the back. So we cut ties.
As a parent of a child with ADHD, Sensory Processing, and a mood disorder… I am used to people treating my son horribly. But we thought these people were better than that. We were wrong… The thing is….
I don’t miss them.
I feel less depressed with out these fake friends and family. The only thing I want, is for someday … that my husband gets his brother back. Honestly I just want those two to get along. I don’t care about anything else… I don’t need the friends. I don’t need to pretend to be certain people’s “friend” anymore. I don’t care… I am done. But I know how important family is. Siblings that is…. family.
That is not up to me though. That is up to him and his brother.
I know it hurts other people though, I know there is stress and struggles his parents feel from all of this. But, it’s no longer my battle. I cannot force anyone to apologize or realize what they said was hurtful and wrong.
I can just continue to protect my children. Stigma….
I fucking hate the stigma that comes with mental illnesses….
If you haven’t lived it, it’s hard to see it…to understand it…
I have lived it… my severe depression is never ending. I have had this for at least 20 years.
I was so angry that this year my blog and twitter became someone’s fucking playground. I was told to not write about things here… because someone didn’t like what I had to say.
I don’t care.
This is my place to write. You don’t know what I have lived through, and that years ago my therapist told me to continue to blog. I regret not listening back then. They said it was a good idea for me since I am able to just vent things out.
So to this person who decided to try to silence me – fuck you. Yes you. You were selfish. You didn’t like what people had to say about you.
I hope someday that I could say I have defeated depression, but I know that is a long way away…. until then I live for moments of love and happiness.
My feelings are so tremendous… the way I feel things is amplified. Love…hate… sadness. It is a god damn emotional roller-coaster. But I love the people I had met on this journey. I have some good friends on twitter that I probably would not have connected with otherwise… I do not regret meeting them.
I have been told that they aren’t real friends…because we talk via internet. But … so many of my friendships started this way…. I met my friend John online via my first blog… I met my husband online… I have met many people that I have created great friendships with online… Some I would not trade for in person contacts…. not for the world… I would love to meet these people some day…yes…but I wouldn’t trade them for anything…
I find it hard to tell you all how I feel lately because I felt like family and friends hurt me a lot this year. I felt… not like myself. I am tired of it and have decided to be myself again. I talk a lot…I type a lot… I have stories… I am trying to find myself again here…
God life is so busy lately too…I homeschool my son, I have my daughter who is WALKING now… and music lessons for my son…. he is learning spanish. Ugh so much… and my dog…
Sometimes I don’t have time for me….
Sorry this post is long by the way. I just needed to get all of this crap out of my system. And my depression and anxiety have been really been amped up this year. My husband and I both lost our grandmothers with in 2 weeks of one another and during that time… I just broke. And occasionally I will break …
And that’s okay….
It’s okay to break….
It’s okay to cry….
Thank you to all of my friends, online or offline… for the support I have received from you all. I do appreciate it very much.