Detoxification Works – Multi Advanced Nourishment

I have been making some changes to my daily routine these past few months to help improve my stress levels, energy levels and to just improve my over all health. As a mother of 2 children, I find that I have let my own health go down hill. So I teamed up with Detoxification Works and have been taking their Multi Advanced Nourishment supplement.

I personally have felt that this supplement has helped me increase my energy levels lately. The ingredients are listed on the back of the package and this product is NOT tested on animals. It is suitable for vegans. But is NOT Gluten free. *Allergy warning for my pals* This product has certified organic ingredients in it!

Here is an example of the capsule size

This supplement is advertised as being beneficial for: Organic Nourishment, Energy Levels, Detoxification, Antioxidant Levels, Digestive Health, Hormonal Balance, Healthy Metabolism and much more! I personally decided to start taking this supplement because I felt that I was not getting enough nourishment through out the day from my meals, and felt that this supplement would help me regain some energy levels naturally.

It was really easy to take this capsule a few times a day, and the packaging is pretty slim. I was able to keep the package in my purse if I went out anywhere. The pills had no taste from what I experienced. I often have a hard time taking pills that have any flavor to them or smell, but these didn’t have any of those.

If you are interested in trying out this product please check out my links below!

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Use code MYONLYSECRET1 for a discount!

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This post is part of an advertisement, products I review and post about have been tried by myself personally and my reviews are real.

About the past… (TW: Depression, the hospital)

More on depression (so please be aware that there is a TW on this post).

I can’t remember ever feeling free of emotions. I have always been anxious, a little paranoid about other’s intentions, and depressed once I hit my teens. It did not help that when I got into my teens I had some life altering events happen (the death of my nephew, my uncle was murdered, and I moved for the 2nd time across multiple states and lost all of my friends.)

I don’t feel that my depression is 100% triggered by those events though. I feel that mine is chemical. I can have everything going for me and I can still be depressed. I have my old online journal printed from when I was hospitalized in 2003 for my depression. That year, I went off to college but the day I moved, my mom and I got into a car accident with an 18 wheeler. That triggered one of the worst episodes of depression I have ever had.

I was not sleeping. I was not eating. I felt like dying. So I reached out to my RA at college, and was taken to a hospital for evaluation. But since I am a clever clog, I got released that night. Unfortunately for me, I was still very deeply depressed and was readmitted that week, and that next time I was not allowed out…for 2 weeks.

It is not hard to read my old online journal. I can relate to my youthful self, but I wonder why no one helped me sooner. Why did people not see the clear signs of depression and self harm? A few years ago an old friend apologized to me, because he said he saw my self harm scars and did nothing, and now he felt bad. I reassured him that it was not his fault, honestly it wasn’t. Everyone missed it.

When I was in therapy at college, (therapy was provided by the college after the first hospitalization), the therapist told me “I have no idea why you are depressed”, like I had to have a reason to be depressed. It made me feel like SHIT. Like I was broken… and useless.

During my time admitted for my depression, I met people in the ward. This is where things changed for me. I was the youngest person in the ward, so all of the adults… ranging in various ages… helped me. One friend, Frank, who I still remember, helped me feel safe when I felt like everything had been ripped from me. We would take naps in the common area and we would watch over one another because people would steal stuff from you if they were too mentally unstable or just jerks.

Frank was admitted because he tried to jump off of a telephone pole. The poor guy. He was just as broken as me and only a few years older than me. I bonded with a few others, an alcoholic who was doing through some withdrawals, a few other severely depressed women, and a woman who tried to break out of the unit with a plastic spoon. I remember my dumb ass room mate at college, who knew me in high school, sent me a fresh set of clothes…… a short mini skirt…dude…I was in a hospital…wtf was she even thinking!!!

My experience would have been very different…. if I was sent to another hospital. I had a friend who was also …sort of a stalker…. When I was admitted to the hospital…he somehow got himself admitted but since they only had one bed in the unit, they put me in it and he went to another state run hospital hours away. That could have been me. He later told me about his experience there, it sounded horrible.

Not all hospitals are good.

Another photo from around 2003-2004. I was such an angsty teen. This was called “Her Only Secret” … Yes… this has always been a theme… *looks at my blog name*

What was I thinking?

So… what was I thinking at the time of my hospitalization? I am breaking down walls here… I broke these walls down ages ago but I think it’s time to remind myself why I got help… what it was like… so here you are… here are parts of a post from back in the day….(I am going to only put parts of it here because…I loved to write back then).

“Why did I break down my walls and tell someone… I just stared out the window. I felt dizzy. My hands were numb. The paramedic just watched me, he looked like he was in a daze. I over heard him and the police officer talk, he gave him the papers and said something about me being at the hospital recently, I think this guy knew I needed help. I didn’t cry during that ambulance trip.”

I will save you the teenage angst from the posts though, lol.

“Night times were hell for me. I couldn’t sleep. And half the times they didn’t want to give me medication for it. One night, I tried to sleep for an hour and it didn’t work, so I walked slowly out of my room at about 1 am. I scared the workers who watched over us at night, I walked up to their glass window, and they just looked at me. I guess everyone else was sleeping and they asked what was wrong and kinda distanced themselves from me. I mumbled how i couldn’t sleep. And they told me to take a seat in the big room while the nurse went to get me sleeping pills. I wouldn’t mind not sleeping if they didn’t watch me all day, and notice I was tired… I didn’t want to sleep in the big room… some people frightened me. I am only 4’11” and I weighed 105 lbs, I am NOT BIG. So I took their sleeping pills. It was either that or listen to my disk man and cry all night.”

“I was off suicide watch.”

Those words… hurt to read now. Because it was a lie…to get community time. I had to sign papers stating that I would go to the doctors if I felt suicidal. But if I didn’t sign those papers, I got no community lunch… no community time outside with everyone else. I had to eat lunch alone. It was …so uncomfortable…

“I remember being Q15 for a few days, every day the people would ask me if i wanted to hurt myself, usually I said no. But I really didn’t feel like telling them if i did. When I did, I stayed in my camera room, the suicide room, for a few days. I usually didn’t go there in the day time, I tried to stay positive, i slowly got over my social anxiety disorder while in the hospital, well only around the other people there, because most of them understood everything i was going through, the racing thoughts, crying for no reason, not knowing why…but you would like to hurt yourself.”

Just a note….Q15 was suicide watch. They checked on me every 15 minutes….. dude….They would put me in a room where I couldn’t have any shoe laces, belts… nothing. It had a camera… bars on the windows… I got moved to level 2 from Q15 the same day as my friend Frank.. he talked me into signing the papers about safety.

I wrote a lot about my experiences when I was younger, it helps me to look back at them… to remind myself what I have over come.

“I felt ashamed.”

A sentence that hits me hard. I was ashamed to be depressed. I was ashamed to tell my mother I was in the hospital… no one told her. On day 3, I was able to call her. She was in another state visiting my sister. So no one could come pick me up. I was admitted for 2 weeks….

“It was 6 am when they woke me, oh man, that was so early. They checked everyone’s vitals, yep… I was alive. I couldn’t believe this wasn’t some cruel dream.”

Okay so my dog is alerting me that she is upset that I am upset… so I need to let her be a good dog… I am actually thinking of training her more to be kind of an emotional support dog… just not with any traveling… just home stuff. Anytime I get sad… she nudges into my arms and puts her face near mine… she currently will not leave me alone. I know writing will help me feel better, but things are just bad today. Today my mood dipped pretty low. My arms hurt.

Gwendolyn

I may be posting more again soon … I am posting for therapy reasons. I feel better when I write. And I feel very isolated right now… I need this.

To be or not to be…(TW: Depression, sensitive details)

Sometimes I can’t keep up with myself. Mental illness…

For a long time I hid it. For many years in my teens, I let it live my life for me. I want to open up here about it…

Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety disorder, that is what I have, at least that is what I have been told. I have also been told that I have issues with my father, which are true. But they do not weigh me down.

Right now I am on a 2 week vacation from my medication. I know it’s not always a good idea to go off medication, but my medication causes some side affects. I needed a break from them temporarily, but now I have to start going back on my meds to get a hold of my depression again. It takes my body about 2 full weeks to get back to the point of depression where I feel hopeless…

I am about 2 days into that feeling, maybe more… But I finally noticed I had been distancing myself from a few friends online and that is how I notice it.

Let me open up here…. when I was teen I used to self harm… A LOT. Somehow my doctors never noticed it and never diagnosed me with depression until I was hospitalized for having suicidal thoughts and threatened my life at age 18 … and someone finally got me hospitalized. I have my journal from “those days”, so I can remember what I went through.

So when I got old enough to get piercings… I turned to that to get my pain to let my self hatred out. My piercer knew I did this and we talked about it. He was a nice guy. He saw the burns on my arms and told me he would rather give me a piercing, and help me not hurt myself in other ways. And it helped…. I had quite a bit of piercings, eye brow, nose, various other body parts… But I finally found something that stopped me….

It took years…

When I got pregnant with my son…I made him a promise. To get better.

I have not hurt myself since 2007. I still think about it when I get into my severe depressive episodes. But that’s when I realize I need my medication. I have a chemical imbalance… I have tried “natural” ways to get over my severe reoccurring depression… they don’t work for me. Medication and some therapy has helped. But I am no where near perfect.

I have found my tribe online – others who have gone through similar depressive episodes and anxiety and they help me. So when people tell me my “online friends” are not real, I get mad. My “online” friends have been here for me emotionally when my family has no clue what I am going through.

I was told once… THAT…”You have nothing to be depressed about”. Which …. really pisses me off…again its a chemical imbalance… I do not WANT to be depressed. I want to be happy like every other person.

I need to vent this because today has been really hard… I love my family. I love the life I have. But when my depression hits me I cry, I feel fragile. I feel like I did back when I was teen hurting myself. For a while back in NJ… I was handling myself pretty well off of medication… I did find comfort in having some really good supportive friends…. and frequent trips to the beach at midnight helped me….

My brain is everywhere again. I can tell when I get too down when I NEED…. background noise. I can’t work, I can’t live …with out having something in the background taking my mind off of myself… my own inner pain…

I get a lot of flashbacks from various life events that my brain wants to relive.

I personally would love to forget these specific life events but … with depression comes my racing thoughts. I can make a different post about each of these events (with names changed) but today I am almost out of time.

I just needed to vent a bit before I go to a family event… my brain kept racing this morning. I won’t hurt myself….so don’t worry. But I am struggling right now. I don’t mean to push anyone away right now. But I know when I need to let you all know that I am hurting right now.

I am going back on my meds tomorrow (a lower dose) but I am going back on them to help. My social anxiety is causing issue with me actually getting another therapist. My favorite psychiatrist left when I got pregnant 2 years ago. I was so angry he left… I felt like I could actually trust him. And of course…all the good ones leave. It takes a special person for me to respect them and want to talk about my life issues…things I probably won’t mention on here… things… I don’t really hide but I respect what people have gone through enough to not share certain facts …

I wish the stigma with depression and mental illness was not so … bad… I can’t think of a nice word other than that. I hate STIGMA.

Sorry my thoughts feel like they are everywhere today…

What do you do to handle your depression or anxiety? I have been living with this since I was maybe 13…. I am now 34. So over 20 years now.

My anxiety is telling me to not post this but my depression says I need to vent… so we will see how this post is received. I have been just distancing myself… trying not to… but I feel like I want to just sleep all day again.

I hate depression….

Depression lies #thebloggesstribe

Just remember that….

Getting back into our normal schedule

With my son home from his father’s summer visit, we are trying to get back into our normal homeschooling schedule. I have to plan out this year and I am also getting my son into a musical instrument! I am trying to get him to pick out a ‘traditional marching band instrument.

I personally own a few instruments already but I want to find one he will enjoy and has an interest in. Just because we are homeschooling doesn’t mean he has to miss out on learning an instrument.

I am looking for an online learning program currently – and I will look into private lessons as well soon. If anyone has any suggestions, please comment on this post! 🙂

In the mean time, I am looking for some pre-k education materials for my daughter, it’s early, as she is still very young, but I would like to introduce materials to her now.

My son’s birthday party is tomorrow. He will be 11 this coming week. I just cannot believe how much he has grown in the past few years. We are exploring orthodontist options as well, he will need braces eventually but we don’t know exactly when. He is missing a few adult teeth – but those baby teeth are not out yet. So I don’t think we have to rush just yet.

I am trying to get back into writing again. I took some time off after the dog attack. But I am still here. I just have a lot going on.

Updates: My daughter is ALMOST walking on her own – she is taking steps, shes just not doing it all the time. My son is home with me again after a month away at his father’s.

Hely Cancy Direct

My son loves to play with his Nerf guns, like any other 10 year old boy. So when I heard about Hely Cancy Direct and their children’s tactical vests, I had to get my son one! As most of you all know, my son has been away for a month, he just got back this weekend and I decided to give him this tactical gear today and he was so excited to put it on! It fits perfectly!

About the product: This gear comes with the following: Kids Tactical Vest Kit Compatible with Nerf Guns N-Strike Elite Series with Refill Darts, Reload Clips, Tactical Mask, Wrist Band and Protective Glasses (You can choose out of three different colors, we chose the blue.)

The vest has adjustable side straps to change the size to fit your child best. We adjusted these since my son is a bit on the smaller side, but once we fit it to him, it was perfect! The face mask fits PERFECTLY! My son felt really excited to try it on, and he said it was very cool. The gear comes with a bunch of Nerf compatible darts, so far they have fit all of my son’s Nerf guns! It comes with safety glasses, which my son instantly wanted to wear. And more dart holders (the vest really packs in a lot of ammo!)

This is the perfect accessory for any kid (girl or boy), who is really into Nerf. I feel that it makes the experience more exciting. If you don’t like blue, check out their other colors! They have an option for everyone!

Want to know how to get yours?

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Per my promise to my readers, the product we received has been tested by my family and I. We approve of this item and we only advertise products we would personally buy ourselves and enjoy! This was an advertisement, but also an amazing product!

Health and stuff…

Besides my VCD (vocal cord dysfunction)… I have been feeling relatively good this week. After the dog attack happened, I got really depressed and anxious. My body hurt, I wanted to sleep more and I was having troubles eating. So I went to see my doctor and had my normal check up while I was there.

I saw the PA, since my doctor is booked until later this month, that’s fine by me, but what bugged me was the lack of my physicians listening to me…

I have depression…yea so what? But my ANXIETY was causing the issues I had. I asked them if they could re-prescribe me a medication I used for anxiety in the past (they used to prescribe it to me) but they refused, they would much rather raise my dose of my antidepressant. After thinking about it… I really don’t think this will help me in the long run. I know my depression and anxiety. I know that this short term anxiety will fade over time, I just need help right now…. and my antidepressant makes me nauseous anyways, I don’t want to raise the dose.

So for this issue I am going to see if I can find myself another psychiatrist since mine left 2 years ago. And see if I can get re-established to get proper treatment, rather than my PCP’s office sort of winging it. I am also searching for a new PCP… I just never really liked this one and I have been too lazy to switch.

I also brought up my VCD to the PA. I said I wanted to get my throat checked out because the cough won’t go away. I told her about my tests in 2013 from an asthma dr stating that my cough has been VCD and not asthma… instead the PA decided to try me on another inhaler…this time a steroid. Fine… its free anyways…the sample clinic provided it to me, but I see NO DIFFERENCE. The PA said she thought it was just a spasm… I don’t feel like its a lung spasm… so I am going to seek a referral to ENT. I want to make sure that this is indeed my VCD I told her, I just want to make sure my throat is fine and that if it is VCD, I know it will pass eventually AND yes it flares up but its REALLY bad…

I HAVE to wear a mask everyday….

People are constantly asking me if I am sick. I just tell them I have a respiratory issue and wearing a mask helps me not cough. I don’t have time to explain VCD to everyone I meet at the store. Nor do I wish to.

I just feel like my physician’s office really dropped the ball these past few years. I don’t feel supported and I need change. I just HATE looking for a new doctor. And I don’t want to be sent to an asthma doctor again, last time I was sent to two, and both said I do not have asthma. Yet here I am with inhalers… but my VCD diagnosis literally is on the spot… its exactly what I feel I have, its text book. So I still trust that one doctor who did diagnose me with it years ago. I just want to see if I can treat it somehow… because this is getting tiresome.

I do not ENJOY the attention from wearing a mask. Yes I picked out a cute one, but people look. People stare. People immediately think you have something “contagious”. I don’t.

On the subject of the dog attack, I mentioned earlier. My dog is doing so much better. Her bite has almost healed completely! She is a trooper. We still go for walks, but we changed our route. She is an amazing dog, the other day I had a coughing fit while walking her and she always checks on me to make sure I am okay… my husband looked shocked. He was holding her leash and she pulled to go check on me, because I stopped and couldn’t breath. She put her face near my face and it was very calming.

I told my husband, if only she was a calmer dog, she would be an amazing emotional support dog. But her energy levels are crazy. ❤ We still love her to pieces.

Qidoou Bluetooth Headphones – 50% off code !

I recently got these amazing new headphones and I wanted to share with you what I think of them! (Hint: You can buy them on Amazon! And for a short promotional time, you can get them 50% off, read my post to find out how.) #ad #sponsored

These headphones are not like others I have had, you will notice that they come with two sets of wires, the earpieces are detachable and they provide a cute little bag to put them in, as well as a ton of different sized ear pieces!

First of all – you can choose between using these as wireless or wired. Let me explain…. (see photos)

This is the wireless option (which is GREAT for when I work out!)

You can choose to use these headphones wireless, which is what I choose when I am working out. They are portable and the headphones tell you when they are connected. I can walk across my house and still get a good signal, which is nice because sometimes I may forget to bring my phone with me to the kitchen or to my daughter’s room.

Or you can choose to use these with the wired option. If you run out of battery (which I have not so far), you can opt to just take the ear buds off the wireless set and connect them to the wired set. It works both ways! I really didn’t know what I was missing out on before I got these. I would often have to go to the gym with out head phones if I forgot to charge mine the night before.

The sound is great and they fit my ears perfectly because they gave me so many options on sizes! With HD sound – these really do sound amazing while I listen to my music.

This is what the controls look like on the wireless set
I love this case for my headphones!

So you probably want some details… where do I get these? And really how much do they cost? Don’t worry it won’t eat a hole in your bank account.

For a limited time (Until July 16th) you can get 50% off your pair of headphones! Go to : https://amzn.to/2FyTegt and use code V8D9B4K7 at check out! You will only pay $16.49 (original price is only $32.99). These headphones come in multiple colors, so if you don’t like red, you have a choice! (Black, Clear, Red)

(Image taken from Qidoou’s Amazon Page)

Check out more deals Qidoou has to offer by clicking their link: https://dealspotr.com/promo-codes/qidoou

http://www.qidoou.com/ <– check out more of their products at their website!

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What is Vocal Cord Dysfunction anyway?

“Vocal cord dysfunction (VCD) is an abnormal narrowing of the larynx. It occurs in some people during high intensity exercise or exposure to certain irritants. This leaves only a small opening for air to flow through the windpipe which can feel like you can’t get enough air into your lungs. It can cause symptoms that mimic asthma. ” (Taken from https://www.nationaljewish.org/health-insights/health-infographics/understanding-vocal-cord-dysfunction)

Often times VCD (vocal cord dysfunction) is misdiagnosed as asthma. Mine was… until I saw a specialist a few years ago. I have had VCD since 2014 ish…. and I honestly had never heard of it before hand. But when I would be around certain things, like windy situations, dust, or cold season, I would get a horrible cough and feel like I couldn’t breath…. for months…

Understanding Vocal Cord Dysfunction

For me, wearing a mask helps me breath. The irritant is air right now, allergies, and my reflux. If I talk too much I cough, if I go outside I cough, it’s hard to pin point an exact cause. But I was diagnosed a long time ago and honestly I have only had a few flare ups, but when they do happen, they last for months!

My doctors kept thinking it was asthma, they gave me an inhaler, and it wouldn’t always work. I felt like my inhaler was useless. I would take it too much thinking that maybe I just didn’t use it right. But then I remembered about my VCD… of course an inhaler won’t work for this!! So I tried other things… a mask, and it worked.

Of course, now instead of coughing everywhere all the time, I have a very noticeable face mask. It was embarrassing at first. But so is coughing everywhere.

You can order this same mask at https://amzn.to/2WZANfq

I am going to keep wearing this mask and let people know about vocal cord dysfunction…because I never heard about it before I was diagnosed. My husband thought I was crazy at first until I started wearing the mask and stopped coughing all over him. He is accepting of it and agrees this will help me out in the long run. We think that since I have been coughing for over a month now non stop that my throat is irritated and that if I let it heal, maybe I can go back to a semi normal cough free day. Honestly my VCD only acts up during certain times of the year, its not all year for me.

I don’t feel that I want to go to speech therapy yet. I would like to work on things at home first, and then if things don’t get better, schedule for a referral. Then they would teach me how to not cough all the time some how… I just don’t have time for it right now and the mask is just so much easier.

But for those of you who have VCD, what helped you? When did you get diagnosed? Did your doctor think it was asthma at first?

My VCD only acts up between Spring and Summer… I don’t usually have issues in the fall. I cough so hard that I get sick… and can’t breath. I can’t talk or I get out of breath, and everyone looks at you like you have the plague. It’s annoying at most.

Drinking water helps calm my throat and sucking on candy helps me sometimes.

Me and my puppy, Gwen (she was the one who was attacked recently)

Lillian is 18 months old!

Time flies when you are having fun being a mom. My daughter turned 18 months old yesterday and I still cannot believe how fast time is going by. I really do feel like she was born only a few months ago, but she is in fact a toddler now. She is almost walking (some of you know about her occupational therapy she gets a few times a month.) I actually spoke to her OT and they said they might be done soon with her, because once she is walking, they feel she is catching up pretty fast now!

I am getting really excited because Lillian is at the stage of ‘walking’ where she is holding on to anything to stand but she won’t let go yet. She will stand up and stand still, but no actual walking. But I can tell she is very close.

Ever since we got a real diagnosis for her food allergies, I feel better about feeding her new things. Because now her doctors know I am not crazy. She has a real allergy. I feel some what validated.

This month is going to be hard, my son is on his trip to see his father in Indiana, and this will be Lillian’s second summer with out her brother around. I think she might actually notice him missing this year, unlike last year. She even knows when the grandmother clock is going to gong, she usually will announce it to me. She is very smart, I cannot wait to see what kind of little kid she will become.

Today I got a hair cut for the first time in 2 years. I cannot believe it took me this long, but I used to work full time, I have two kids, both of which have some sort of special needs, at different times. And up until recently, I just haven’t made time for myself. So I went and got my hair clipped about 4 to 5 inches!

My hair used to be to my waist…

I don’t mind that it is shorter. I like that it feels HEALTHY. I will also post photos soon on twitter of my new hair color. It’s not “drastic” but its different, than the color above. (Yes I dyed my hair tonight as well!)

I wanted to post photos tonight but its the kind of hair color that shows up much better in the sun. My hair is already pretty dark and the photos I took in the bathroom do not do the hair dye justice. So I will figure something out and post to twitter later today or tomorrow. I might do another dye to make it brighter if I don’t think its bright enough in the sun.

I am not bleaching my hair to color it by the way. I have done that in the past and I feel that with my curls, it ruined my hair. I am just trying to add a different shade to my already dark brown hair. And I let my husband pick out the color at the store the other day, he did a decent job at it I must say. He knows I am trying to make some self improvements, to be happier. I used to do this sort of stuff all the time, but since about 7 years ago, things just got to be too much.

I want to change that.

I even mentioned to him that I might want a new tattoo. I have some ideas but I might be going to twitter to see if anyone there that follows me might be able to help me find the perfect addition to my current tattoos. This won’t be something I get soon, this is a project that I will be working on to find the perfect addition to my two tattoos on my back. I am not the type of person to get tattoos everywhere of random things, all of my tattoos have meanings. Both are in remembrance of my uncles, both of which have significance in my life.

My uncle June Bug (nick name), his real name is Enrique, was murdered in 1999. I remember him as being a very gentle and polite man. His tattoo was my first, its a kokopelli. I am native american and he gave me a necklace the last time I saw him a live of a kokopelli (and yes I know what the kokopelli stands for.) My other uncle passed away a few years ago and I will admit I didnt know him well. I got to know him through his journals after he died. I worked at the hospital he passed away at, and I checked on him for family by visiting him during my lunch times for a few weeks/months.

Eventually my family called me and told me hospice said he was dying, I was the only person close enough to make it to him. I held his hand as he died. He had tattoos of some butterflies on his chest. So I added some butterflies to my back for him. I would like my next tattoo to represent my struggles with my depression, I want to document how strong I can be.

But I am having a hard time actually picking something, and a body part to put it on. So I will reach out on twitter and here for some advice soon.

As I said earlier, I am working on myself. I have let too many people treat me like crap for too long. I never used to do that. So I am going to be myself again. I can’t always fit in. And I honestly don’t want to anymore. I love my kids and my husband, and I feel closer than ever to my husband after a bunch of junk happened recently.

I think we needed this change in life. I have connected to some other family members recently and I feel so happy to have such good support online, via the bloggess tribe, my twitter tribe, my besties from NJ, my family, and my husband and kids.

Thank you all for the support.

Custody arrangements

I have my son 11 months out of the year, which is amazing. But this month is the one month of the year that he visits his father in Indiana. (We live in New Mexico, so it’s pretty far.) It’s always hard to send my child off to see his father. I appreciate the fact that his father does see him in the summers though, but it’s still hard to let a child go off. I only get 1x a week video chats while he is away (until I get him a cell phone at least). My son is only 10 years old, we have been doing this since he was about 3 years old. So I am relatively used to this.

My son’s father and I get along for the most part. We disagree about some things, but honestly, it could be worse. My son has two half brothers in Indiana, so he gets to hang out with them and his cousins. I am a child of divorce and I understand how important these trips are to a child, which is why I never fought them. The only thing I fought was child support and time frames of trips. I trust his father to take care of him, but my son has some issues as I mentioned in the past (adhd, etc) and its very difficult for him to understand that.

Today I dropped my son off at the airport, it was hard. But this year I didn’t cry, yet. I know he will miss his sister, so I sent him with photos, and told him I would skype him some more soon. I don’t know how his sister will do with out him, she is so used to seeing him around. I am sure she will miss him this month.

Cool cars at the airport (ps he is using the new backpack I got from Backpacks.com !)

We had a great week… this was his last week as a 5th grader in home school. While he is away I plan on working on the 6th grade curriculum. My neighbor offered for me to talk to his wife, who taught children for a long time. I might take him up on that offer, since he said she could possibly help me pick a curriculum for my son.

I have been picking up hours at work because the girl I work with is out for a bit. I am trying to not get too much on my plate though. I have been busy being depressed. We brought items over from my Grandma In Law’s house, and it’s been really hard to think she is no longer around. My depression is just kind of hitting hard this week. I made sure to take my medication, I had to stop for a few days because of other medication that made me sick.

In regards to issues I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago – my husband and I have gotten closer. This issue has brought us closer. I love the support I receive from him and I think he is understanding things a bit more. We have had more talks about certain issues. I also have a family member who reached out to me recently – and I am thankful for her. I am not going to mention names, or how she is related but she has been very supportive of my husband and I. And now we talk a bit more… it’s really nice.

I am feeling a bit better – besides the chemical imbalance that I suffer. I found out that my “vocal chord dysfunction” might be acting up. I have been thinking it was bronchitis, but I have been having very similar symptoms to my VCD diagnosis that I had a few years ago. So I am going to ask my doctor what I could possibly do to fix this.

I am going to try to write more often again. I fell off the band wagon for a bit. Too much going on emotionally with the death of two family members. It triggered my depression and I tend to get very withdrawn with depression. Thankfully I haven’t harmed myself in years. The thoughts still come and go. Self harm was something hard to break from. When I had my son almost 11 years ago, I promised him as a baby that I would not hurt myself. And I have kept that promise, even though I spent years hurting myself. The scars may not be visible anymore, but the feelings are still there.

Don’t worry I am safe. I will not harm myself. My children are everything to me. And I know that depression lies. #thebloggestribe

I got my DNA results on Ancestry.com

I have honestly wanted to get my DNA tested to see exactly what I am for the longest time. (But generally the cost was just too high for me.) This past Mother’s Day, my husband gifted me an Ancestry DNA kit. Finally, I can see what I am. I knew what my mother, grandmother, and my sister were because they actually did DNA kits a few years ago, but I was wondering what I got from my father’s side.

These are my results!

Along with finding out what percentages I am… I also was connected to THOUSANDS of family members! When my husband did his DNA results, he only matched to a few people, but apparently my family members love DNA tests and I am connected to around 6,000 “close family” and over 69,000 distant matches!

I found out I am less German than my family believed, and I am more “English & Northwestern European.” I am about as native american as my family thought, because my mother previously had her DNA tested, we had an idea. But I did pick up less “spanish” than I thought I would get. My mother’s DNA showed up 30% spanish… so and I only got 4%. It’s interesting how DNA is split up.

I am actually surprised I have any IRISH at all in me. I would often joke to my husband that I have NO IRISH in me. My husband had this DNA test done earlier this year and he is 63% Irish. We were talking about how Irish our daughter might be, because she picked up a lot of my husband’s traits, rather than mine. I told my husband that I can wear shirts that say “a wee bit Irish” now.

This is me!

My husband bought me the DNA test for Mother’s Day of this year and it took a little less than a month to get my full report! This post is NOT sponsored by Ancestry. But if you would like a discount on your ancestry kit, you could use MY code below!

https://t.co/ZcPm2xMbcy

https://t.co/ZcPm2xMbcy

FPIES

I have talked about food allergies on here before and we have mentioned how my daughter might have FPIES, since all of her symptoms fit perfectly. We went to an allergist back in October 2018 and the allergist said all the tests came out normal, and that we should just watch what we feed my daughter. But we got no diagnosis at the time.

So I called my daughter’s PCP and requested a second allergist to be called since I wanted a real diagnosis. I let her dr now that I thought it was FPIES. Her doctor is a new doctor and looked up the symptoms and suggested it might be FPIES as well, but wanted an allergist as well to look at her. The appointment was scheduled for 8 months later, because pediatric allergists are hard to come by in my town apparently and since my daughter was gaining weight and we were handling symptoms pretty decently, we did not need an emergency appointment.

Yesterday we saw the allergist and I am happy to say that we were right in our diagnosis.

Our diagnosis and follow up visit have been scheduled (there is not much we can do for FPIES) other than trial foods very carefully.

My daughter will see this doctor again when she is 3 to trial all of her old foods she has been allergic to. Until then we have been suggested to see a GI doctor for anything else since this is more stomach related. We have an appointment for August, which we will discuss with the GI any options on seeing a dietary doctor for food ideas.

My main issue with this food allergy is that my daughter isn’t getting everything she needs from her foods she currently eats. She is allergic to Oats, Rice, Wheat, (some corn sensitivities), pineapple, broccoli, turkey… and so that leaves us with a lot of foods she CAN have right now but I want to ensure she is getting all the vitamins she needs for her brain and body to grow at a healthy rate for her age.

I am just relieved this is just FPIES. The doctor said it sounds like classic fpies, the triggers, the time line…everything.

FPIES can be outgrown… so we are hoping her stomach matures. We hope her body will stop rejecting these foods. But now that her PCP will be told that she has FPIES, we can treat it with out him worrying so much. He was hesitant on giving us medication for the vomiting , but now that he knows that its a normal reaction for fpies, and that zofran is often used in the care for FPIES patients, hopefully we can just have support from our regular doctor.

BTW, I am super sick right now- so even posting this took a lot out of me. I have another post I would like to make, but my goodness…I just can’t. I don’t have the spoons to make that post right now…. #thebloggesstribe

@HopelessOptimst

Im just trying to evolve

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