To be or not to be…(TW: Depression, sensitive details)

Sometimes I can’t keep up with myself. Mental illness…

For a long time I hid it. For many years in my teens, I let it live my life for me. I want to open up here about it…

Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety disorder, that is what I have, at least that is what I have been told. I have also been told that I have issues with my father, which are true. But they do not weigh me down.

Right now I am on a 2 week vacation from my medication. I know it’s not always a good idea to go off medication, but my medication causes some side affects. I needed a break from them temporarily, but now I have to start going back on my meds to get a hold of my depression again. It takes my body about 2 full weeks to get back to the point of depression where I feel hopeless…

I am about 2 days into that feeling, maybe more… But I finally noticed I had been distancing myself from a few friends online and that is how I notice it.

Let me open up here…. when I was teen I used to self harm… A LOT. Somehow my doctors never noticed it and never diagnosed me with depression until I was hospitalized for having suicidal thoughts and threatened my life at age 18 … and someone finally got me hospitalized. I have my journal from “those days”, so I can remember what I went through.

So when I got old enough to get piercings… I turned to that to get my pain to let my self hatred out. My piercer knew I did this and we talked about it. He was a nice guy. He saw the burns on my arms and told me he would rather give me a piercing, and help me not hurt myself in other ways. And it helped…. I had quite a bit of piercings, eye brow, nose, various other body parts… But I finally found something that stopped me….

It took years…

When I got pregnant with my son…I made him a promise. To get better.

I have not hurt myself since 2007. I still think about it when I get into my severe depressive episodes. But that’s when I realize I need my medication. I have a chemical imbalance… I have tried “natural” ways to get over my severe reoccurring depression… they don’t work for me. Medication and some therapy has helped. But I am no where near perfect.

I have found my tribe online – others who have gone through similar depressive episodes and anxiety and they help me. So when people tell me my “online friends” are not real, I get mad. My “online” friends have been here for me emotionally when my family has no clue what I am going through.

I was told once… THAT…”You have nothing to be depressed about”. Which …. really pisses me off…again its a chemical imbalance… I do not WANT to be depressed. I want to be happy like every other person.

I need to vent this because today has been really hard… I love my family. I love the life I have. But when my depression hits me I cry, I feel fragile. I feel like I did back when I was teen hurting myself. For a while back in NJ… I was handling myself pretty well off of medication… I did find comfort in having some really good supportive friends…. and frequent trips to the beach at midnight helped me….

My brain is everywhere again. I can tell when I get too down when I NEED…. background noise. I can’t work, I can’t live …with out having something in the background taking my mind off of myself… my own inner pain…

I get a lot of flashbacks from various life events that my brain wants to relive.

I personally would love to forget these specific life events but … with depression comes my racing thoughts. I can make a different post about each of these events (with names changed) but today I am almost out of time.

I just needed to vent a bit before I go to a family event… my brain kept racing this morning. I won’t hurt myself….so don’t worry. But I am struggling right now. I don’t mean to push anyone away right now. But I know when I need to let you all know that I am hurting right now.

I am going back on my meds tomorrow (a lower dose) but I am going back on them to help. My social anxiety is causing issue with me actually getting another therapist. My favorite psychiatrist left when I got pregnant 2 years ago. I was so angry he left… I felt like I could actually trust him. And of course…all the good ones leave. It takes a special person for me to respect them and want to talk about my life issues…things I probably won’t mention on here… things… I don’t really hide but I respect what people have gone through enough to not share certain facts …

I wish the stigma with depression and mental illness was not so … bad… I can’t think of a nice word other than that. I hate STIGMA.

Sorry my thoughts feel like they are everywhere today…

What do you do to handle your depression or anxiety? I have been living with this since I was maybe 13…. I am now 34. So over 20 years now.

My anxiety is telling me to not post this but my depression says I need to vent… so we will see how this post is received. I have been just distancing myself… trying not to… but I feel like I want to just sleep all day again.

I hate depression….

Depression lies #thebloggesstribe

Just remember that….


Getting back into our normal schedule

With my son home from his father’s summer visit, we are trying to get back into our normal homeschooling schedule. I have to plan out this year and I am also getting my son into a musical instrument! I am trying to get him to pick out a ‘traditional marching band instrument.

I personally own a few instruments already but I want to find one he will enjoy and has an interest in. Just because we are homeschooling doesn’t mean he has to miss out on learning an instrument.

I am looking for an online learning program currently – and I will look into private lessons as well soon. If anyone has any suggestions, please comment on this post! 🙂

In the mean time, I am looking for some pre-k education materials for my daughter, it’s early, as she is still very young, but I would like to introduce materials to her now.

My son’s birthday party is tomorrow. He will be 11 this coming week. I just cannot believe how much he has grown in the past few years. We are exploring orthodontist options as well, he will need braces eventually but we don’t know exactly when. He is missing a few adult teeth – but those baby teeth are not out yet. So I don’t think we have to rush just yet.

I am trying to get back into writing again. I took some time off after the dog attack. But I am still here. I just have a lot going on.

Updates: My daughter is ALMOST walking on her own – she is taking steps, shes just not doing it all the time. My son is home with me again after a month away at his father’s.

Hely Cancy Direct

My son loves to play with his Nerf guns, like any other 10 year old boy. So when I heard about Hely Cancy Direct and their children’s tactical vests, I had to get my son one! As most of you all know, my son has been away for a month, he just got back this weekend and I decided to give him this tactical gear today and he was so excited to put it on! It fits perfectly!

About the product: This gear comes with the following: Kids Tactical Vest Kit Compatible with Nerf Guns N-Strike Elite Series with Refill Darts, Reload Clips, Tactical Mask, Wrist Band and Protective Glasses (You can choose out of three different colors, we chose the blue.)

The vest has adjustable side straps to change the size to fit your child best. We adjusted these since my son is a bit on the smaller side, but once we fit it to him, it was perfect! The face mask fits PERFECTLY! My son felt really excited to try it on, and he said it was very cool. The gear comes with a bunch of Nerf compatible darts, so far they have fit all of my son’s Nerf guns! It comes with safety glasses, which my son instantly wanted to wear. And more dart holders (the vest really packs in a lot of ammo!)

This is the perfect accessory for any kid (girl or boy), who is really into Nerf. I feel that it makes the experience more exciting. If you don’t like blue, check out their other colors! They have an option for everyone!

Want to know how to get yours? Check out this great deal !

Use code MYONLYSECRET at check out and save 40% off your purchase.

Want to see more promotions and deals from Hely Cancy Direct? Check out their link on dealspotr here: Hely Cancy Direct


Per my promise to my readers, the product we received has been tested by my family and I. We approve of this item and we only advertise products we would personally buy ourselves and enjoy! This was an advertisement, but also an amazing product!

Health and stuff…

Besides my VCD (vocal cord dysfunction)… I have been feeling relatively good this week. After the dog attack happened, I got really depressed and anxious. My body hurt, I wanted to sleep more and I was having troubles eating. So I went to see my doctor and had my normal check up while I was there.

I saw the PA, since my doctor is booked until later this month, that’s fine by me, but what bugged me was the lack of my physicians listening to me…

I have depression…yea so what? But my ANXIETY was causing the issues I had. I asked them if they could re-prescribe me a medication I used for anxiety in the past (they used to prescribe it to me) but they refused, they would much rather raise my dose of my antidepressant. After thinking about it… I really don’t think this will help me in the long run. I know my depression and anxiety. I know that this short term anxiety will fade over time, I just need help right now…. and my antidepressant makes me nauseous anyways, I don’t want to raise the dose.

So for this issue I am going to see if I can find myself another psychiatrist since mine left 2 years ago. And see if I can get re-established to get proper treatment, rather than my PCP’s office sort of winging it. I am also searching for a new PCP… I just never really liked this one and I have been too lazy to switch.

I also brought up my VCD to the PA. I said I wanted to get my throat checked out because the cough won’t go away. I told her about my tests in 2013 from an asthma dr stating that my cough has been VCD and not asthma… instead the PA decided to try me on another inhaler…this time a steroid. Fine… its free anyways…the sample clinic provided it to me, but I see NO DIFFERENCE. The PA said she thought it was just a spasm… I don’t feel like its a lung spasm… so I am going to seek a referral to ENT. I want to make sure that this is indeed my VCD I told her, I just want to make sure my throat is fine and that if it is VCD, I know it will pass eventually AND yes it flares up but its REALLY bad…

I HAVE to wear a mask everyday….

People are constantly asking me if I am sick. I just tell them I have a respiratory issue and wearing a mask helps me not cough. I don’t have time to explain VCD to everyone I meet at the store. Nor do I wish to.

I just feel like my physician’s office really dropped the ball these past few years. I don’t feel supported and I need change. I just HATE looking for a new doctor. And I don’t want to be sent to an asthma doctor again, last time I was sent to two, and both said I do not have asthma. Yet here I am with inhalers… but my VCD diagnosis literally is on the spot… its exactly what I feel I have, its text book. So I still trust that one doctor who did diagnose me with it years ago. I just want to see if I can treat it somehow… because this is getting tiresome.

I do not ENJOY the attention from wearing a mask. Yes I picked out a cute one, but people look. People stare. People immediately think you have something “contagious”. I don’t.

On the subject of the dog attack, I mentioned earlier. My dog is doing so much better. Her bite has almost healed completely! She is a trooper. We still go for walks, but we changed our route. She is an amazing dog, the other day I had a coughing fit while walking her and she always checks on me to make sure I am okay… my husband looked shocked. He was holding her leash and she pulled to go check on me, because I stopped and couldn’t breath. She put her face near my face and it was very calming.

I told my husband, if only she was a calmer dog, she would be an amazing emotional support dog. But her energy levels are crazy. ❤ We still love her to pieces.

Qidoou Bluetooth Headphones – 50% off code !

I recently got these amazing new headphones and I wanted to share with you what I think of them! (Hint: You can buy them on Amazon! And for a short promotional time, you can get them 50% off, read my post to find out how.) #ad #sponsored

These headphones are not like others I have had, you will notice that they come with two sets of wires, the earpieces are detachable and they provide a cute little bag to put them in, as well as a ton of different sized ear pieces!

First of all – you can choose between using these as wireless or wired. Let me explain…. (see photos)

This is the wireless option (which is GREAT for when I work out!)

You can choose to use these headphones wireless, which is what I choose when I am working out. They are portable and the headphones tell you when they are connected. I can walk across my house and still get a good signal, which is nice because sometimes I may forget to bring my phone with me to the kitchen or to my daughter’s room.

Or you can choose to use these with the wired option. If you run out of battery (which I have not so far), you can opt to just take the ear buds off the wireless set and connect them to the wired set. It works both ways! I really didn’t know what I was missing out on before I got these. I would often have to go to the gym with out head phones if I forgot to charge mine the night before.

The sound is great and they fit my ears perfectly because they gave me so many options on sizes! With HD sound – these really do sound amazing while I listen to my music.

This is what the controls look like on the wireless set
I love this case for my headphones!

So you probably want some details… where do I get these? And really how much do they cost? Don’t worry it won’t eat a hole in your bank account.

For a limited time (Until July 16th) you can get 50% off your pair of headphones! Go to : and use code V8D9B4K7 at check out! You will only pay $16.49 (original price is only $32.99). These headphones come in multiple colors, so if you don’t like red, you have a choice! (Black, Clear, Red)

(Image taken from Qidoou’s Amazon Page)

Check out more deals Qidoou has to offer by clicking their link: <– check out more of their products at their website!

#ad #sponsored #qidoou #headphones

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