My darling little girl is 20 months old today

And boy do I have photos for you! My son’s photos will also be included. I am going to take his school year photos soon, I forgot to tell him to wear something nice for today so we will retake with dressy clothes on another date 🙂

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A beast behind the wheel

“I am not a horrible driver,” is what I keep telling myself over and over. For the 4th time today, I had to explain to someone I know that my car, which is less than 5 years old and only has about 27,000 miles on it… needs an entire new engine…

“Also, I’m blaming your crazy driving, JK.” My friend texts me, after I tell her what the car dealership told me about my poor car needing a new engine… and that I will get a rental car paid for by Kia, because my car is still under warranty. I am honestly so thankful that this is covered…

Last week I was driving home with my husband from a family member’s home. I looked over and BAM …

Now … I don’t actually drive my car much, just to the store about a mile away…and sometimes to the mall. My son is home schooled… and I work from home. So for my car to just break on me, was weird. So I took it in to the dealer, the soonest they could see me was in 5 or 6 days. I am very glad that I did not ignore this issue.

This morning, I turned on my car, and took it to the car dealer across town. They had the closest appointment, and on my way there..I noticed that the engine light did not turn on…

“My service engine light isn’t on anymore, but don’t trust my car, it’s full of lies,” I told the service tech. He laughed. “Oh and the check oil light is on, but I had that changed 5oo miles ago…so that shouldn’t be happening,” I told him. He wrote it down and said he would also check that as well. “Oh and I can’t get UVO to work on my phone connected to the car anymore.” He told me a sales person would set that up with me after the car was fixed, UVO is an app that comes with the car, which you can do diagnostic alerts on. My UVO stopped working about 1 year into me owning the car.

I am a lazy person.

My mother came to pick me up at the car dealership… and as I have mentioned before, I have social anxiety. It kills me… (Or at least it feels like it.) After I checked my car in, and took out my daughter’s car seat, I called my mother to see where she was.

“I am out side in the parking lot, I have been here for 10 minutes…” my mother told me. “Hmmm are you on the wrong side of the building?” I asked her. “I am in front of a door that says parts…” she said back. “I saw a sign that said parts and that was on the opposite side, drive around and come get me,” I told her, and hung up once she agreed. I did have the car seat, the baby in a stroller, a 11 year old…and no clue where she was.

5 minutes pass….

I call my mom back. “Where are you? Are you even at the right car dealership?” I asked her. “Yes, It says the name of the dealership you mentioned. I have driven around the building twice and did not see you…” she explains…

“Okay, I will look for you again…. are you SURE you are at the right building…KIA….??” I ask her again. “Yes!” she is starting to think I must be hiding somewhere.

I got onto twitter and tweeted out the following tweet….

I was fairly certain by now….20 minutes later… that my mother was indeed at the wrong dealership. But every time I called her, she sounded so certain that I was just tricking her and she finally caved in and said “I am going in side and I am going to ask the help desk where to go!”

“Okay…..” *Phone clicks*

I waited another 5 or so minutes before my mother called me back…

“I am at the wrong dealership… the lady said that the dealership you are at is up the road….” she sounded so defeated.

“Yeah I thought you were lost… I mean …I would have seen you driving around and around…. ” I see my mother drive up at this point… “We see you”. My son runs out to greet her and I collect my toddler…the car seat…the stroller… her books…the baby bag… and follow my son out to the car.

I cannot believe that my mother drove around the wrong car dealership… it didn’t even say KIA on it…. *sigh*

So the car dealership said they would call me in 3 hours. I gave them about 5 1/2 hours, and then I called them. I needed to know if my car would be having a sleep over at the dealership or not anyways.

I spoke to an amazingly nice mechanic who explained to me that they ran diagnostics, and that they just got the results back and had to talk to KIA because my engine would need to be replaced…. completely…

BUT… that is was under warranty. And that they just needed to get permission to do the job first. I butted in and asked him about a loaner car because…obviously…if my engine needed to be replaced, I knew I would be with out a car for a while. “Yes, Kia will pay for that too… you will get a rental through enterprise and we will pay for it.” he explained.

I probably said thank you 19 times…

Thankfully this is covered under my warranty.

The guy said that my car might have something called “Rod Knock”. Which apparently sucks… and its just easier and cheaper to just give me a new engine instead of fixing it. I mean I don’t mind, just give me a working car in the end and I will be happy.

I called my husband later in the day and made him guess what the problem was with my car… he actually GUESSED “do you need a new engine?” and I just laughed… and said yes. He said something along the lines of “You aren’t allowed to have a new car until I get a new one!” he says this because I got my car about 4 1/2 years ago due to a car accident and had to replace my car. And he really wants a new car, but we are still making payments on MY current car. *giggles*

We can afford a second car. He is just picky. That’s fine though. He can be the financially responsible one out of the two of us if he would like.

So tomorrow I am scheduled to pick up a car from enterprise to help me get around until my car is fixed… or reanimated…

I never gave my car a name… maybe I could call her a zombie car now if it gets redone… or frankin-car? If you can think of a name for my car, let me know. I still don’t know how I broke my car…

But so far, Kia is doing an amazing job with customer service. Way to go kia… 🙂

Prepping for Homeschool

Today has been exhausting, we are very new to homeschooling. We started earlier this year and completed 5th grade but this week we decided to start 6th grade. I bought some more supplies, after figuring out what didn’t work for me at the end of 5th grade for my son, and I am trying to organize our day to make this easier on us.

My son’s daily tasks are on the computer program we use and I printed the materials, like tests and quiz packets. I sorted them into the folders I labeled for him so that when it is time to complete certain work on certain days (we need a schedule unlike some home schoolers), he will know in advance how much work he has to complete for me.

I am still trying to find a foreign language program that we would like to use. I may try the one on time4learning, I believe they use rosetta stone. My son actually said he would like to use the latin learning program. I took latin in high school, and did very well at it. So I feel that I could help him and learn as well.

I want to prove to people that we can do this. I know other people who home school who have less education than myself and less resources. I want to prove to people that my son can have an education, beyond the special education courses he took in public school that failed him. We feel this last year of p.s. has literally dropped him behind where he would have been if I just sucked it up and home schooled sooner. I was too scared to.

I really hate that I let him go on in p.s. for so long. I hate that I let people convince me that I couldn’t home school him myself. I have the resources, the money and the time. I still choose to work PRN at the medical facility I previously worked F/T for. But I work 2 days a week for 4 hours a day only. I could work more if I wanted…but honestly I have a toddler and I home school. I think 2 days is enough for now. I am starting to look at preschool materials for my daughter as well since … her food allergies are just bad enough to where I don’t feel safe with her going to preschool in a year with them. Unless she outgrows some of them.

I am going to be prepared to educate her as well if needed. I am crossing my fingers that we can just send her to preschool so she can have fun with other children. Home schooling was not my first option… and I hate it when people try to judge me for choosing it. I chose it to help my child. I chose to leave a F/T position that I loved because I love my child more. I have had “friends” suggest that a parent cannot teach their child and pretty much assume I was telling them that I was better than them…for some reason… bc I chose to teach my child out side of the school. She said she felt that her degree was not replaceable it seems. And I agree.. she might be a good teacher…BUT… my son is not a “normal” case. We tried school… and it failed us… he was being left behind …the teachers couldn’t handle his ADHD and other issues.

So who would I be as a mother to LET him fail? He has a life as well. It’s my job to help him be successful.

*SIGH*

Anyways… I am happy to be a part of the home schooling community now. They have opened their arms up to me and welcomed me in to their groups. I feel a bit lost at times because I do believe some children thrive in public school…but we just didn’t. It was a hard choice for me to make.

Not all of us moms want to leave our jobs… but at least I work from home. I can go back F/T eventually. For now I will learn how to be a better home schooling mom. For my son.

SIDE NOTE: I have a hard time with homeschooling groups because of my social anxiety. I hate meet ups…but I love them. I hate meeting new people, but I know we need to. Its a daily struggle.

Detoxification Works – Multi Advanced Nourishment

I have been making some changes to my daily routine these past few months to help improve my stress levels, energy levels and to just improve my over all health. As a mother of 2 children, I find that I have let my own health go down hill. So I teamed up with Detoxification Works and have been taking their Multi Advanced Nourishment supplement.

I personally have felt that this supplement has helped me increase my energy levels lately. The ingredients are listed on the back of the package and this product is NOT tested on animals. It is suitable for vegans. But is NOT Gluten free. *Allergy warning for my pals* This product has certified organic ingredients in it!

Here is an example of the capsule size

This supplement is advertised as being beneficial for: Organic Nourishment, Energy Levels, Detoxification, Antioxidant Levels, Digestive Health, Hormonal Balance, Healthy Metabolism and much more! I personally decided to start taking this supplement because I felt that I was not getting enough nourishment through out the day from my meals, and felt that this supplement would help me regain some energy levels naturally.

It was really easy to take this capsule a few times a day, and the packaging is pretty slim. I was able to keep the package in my purse if I went out anywhere. The pills had no taste from what I experienced. I often have a hard time taking pills that have any flavor to them or smell, but these didn’t have any of those.

If you are interested in trying out this product please check out my links below!

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Use code MYONLYSECRET1 for a discount!

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This post is part of an advertisement, products I review and post about have been tried by myself personally and my reviews are real.

About the past… (TW: Depression, the hospital)

More on depression (so please be aware that there is a TW on this post).

I can’t remember ever feeling free of emotions. I have always been anxious, a little paranoid about other’s intentions, and depressed once I hit my teens. It did not help that when I got into my teens I had some life altering events happen (the death of my nephew, my uncle was murdered, and I moved for the 2nd time across multiple states and lost all of my friends.)

I don’t feel that my depression is 100% triggered by those events though. I feel that mine is chemical. I can have everything going for me and I can still be depressed. I have my old online journal printed from when I was hospitalized in 2003 for my depression. That year, I went off to college but the day I moved, my mom and I got into a car accident with an 18 wheeler. That triggered one of the worst episodes of depression I have ever had.

I was not sleeping. I was not eating. I felt like dying. So I reached out to my RA at college, and was taken to a hospital for evaluation. But since I am a clever clog, I got released that night. Unfortunately for me, I was still very deeply depressed and was readmitted that week, and that next time I was not allowed out…for 2 weeks.

It is not hard to read my old online journal. I can relate to my youthful self, but I wonder why no one helped me sooner. Why did people not see the clear signs of depression and self harm? A few years ago an old friend apologized to me, because he said he saw my self harm scars and did nothing, and now he felt bad. I reassured him that it was not his fault, honestly it wasn’t. Everyone missed it.

When I was in therapy at college, (therapy was provided by the college after the first hospitalization), the therapist told me “I have no idea why you are depressed”, like I had to have a reason to be depressed. It made me feel like SHIT. Like I was broken… and useless.

During my time admitted for my depression, I met people in the ward. This is where things changed for me. I was the youngest person in the ward, so all of the adults… ranging in various ages… helped me. One friend, Frank, who I still remember, helped me feel safe when I felt like everything had been ripped from me. We would take naps in the common area and we would watch over one another because people would steal stuff from you if they were too mentally unstable or just jerks.

Frank was admitted because he tried to jump off of a telephone pole. The poor guy. He was just as broken as me and only a few years older than me. I bonded with a few others, an alcoholic who was doing through some withdrawals, a few other severely depressed women, and a woman who tried to break out of the unit with a plastic spoon. I remember my dumb ass room mate at college, who knew me in high school, sent me a fresh set of clothes…… a short mini skirt…dude…I was in a hospital…wtf was she even thinking!!!

My experience would have been very different…. if I was sent to another hospital. I had a friend who was also …sort of a stalker…. When I was admitted to the hospital…he somehow got himself admitted but since they only had one bed in the unit, they put me in it and he went to another state run hospital hours away. That could have been me. He later told me about his experience there, it sounded horrible.

Not all hospitals are good.

Another photo from around 2003-2004. I was such an angsty teen. This was called “Her Only Secret” … Yes… this has always been a theme… *looks at my blog name*

What was I thinking?

So… what was I thinking at the time of my hospitalization? I am breaking down walls here… I broke these walls down ages ago but I think it’s time to remind myself why I got help… what it was like… so here you are… here are parts of a post from back in the day….(I am going to only put parts of it here because…I loved to write back then).

“Why did I break down my walls and tell someone… I just stared out the window. I felt dizzy. My hands were numb. The paramedic just watched me, he looked like he was in a daze. I over heard him and the police officer talk, he gave him the papers and said something about me being at the hospital recently, I think this guy knew I needed help. I didn’t cry during that ambulance trip.”

I will save you the teenage angst from the posts though, lol.

“Night times were hell for me. I couldn’t sleep. And half the times they didn’t want to give me medication for it. One night, I tried to sleep for an hour and it didn’t work, so I walked slowly out of my room at about 1 am. I scared the workers who watched over us at night, I walked up to their glass window, and they just looked at me. I guess everyone else was sleeping and they asked what was wrong and kinda distanced themselves from me. I mumbled how i couldn’t sleep. And they told me to take a seat in the big room while the nurse went to get me sleeping pills. I wouldn’t mind not sleeping if they didn’t watch me all day, and notice I was tired… I didn’t want to sleep in the big room… some people frightened me. I am only 4’11” and I weighed 105 lbs, I am NOT BIG. So I took their sleeping pills. It was either that or listen to my disk man and cry all night.”

“I was off suicide watch.”

Those words… hurt to read now. Because it was a lie…to get community time. I had to sign papers stating that I would go to the doctors if I felt suicidal. But if I didn’t sign those papers, I got no community lunch… no community time outside with everyone else. I had to eat lunch alone. It was …so uncomfortable…

“I remember being Q15 for a few days, every day the people would ask me if i wanted to hurt myself, usually I said no. But I really didn’t feel like telling them if i did. When I did, I stayed in my camera room, the suicide room, for a few days. I usually didn’t go there in the day time, I tried to stay positive, i slowly got over my social anxiety disorder while in the hospital, well only around the other people there, because most of them understood everything i was going through, the racing thoughts, crying for no reason, not knowing why…but you would like to hurt yourself.”

Just a note….Q15 was suicide watch. They checked on me every 15 minutes….. dude….They would put me in a room where I couldn’t have any shoe laces, belts… nothing. It had a camera… bars on the windows… I got moved to level 2 from Q15 the same day as my friend Frank.. he talked me into signing the papers about safety.

I wrote a lot about my experiences when I was younger, it helps me to look back at them… to remind myself what I have over come.

“I felt ashamed.”

A sentence that hits me hard. I was ashamed to be depressed. I was ashamed to tell my mother I was in the hospital… no one told her. On day 3, I was able to call her. She was in another state visiting my sister. So no one could come pick me up. I was admitted for 2 weeks….

“It was 6 am when they woke me, oh man, that was so early. They checked everyone’s vitals, yep… I was alive. I couldn’t believe this wasn’t some cruel dream.”

Okay so my dog is alerting me that she is upset that I am upset… so I need to let her be a good dog… I am actually thinking of training her more to be kind of an emotional support dog… just not with any traveling… just home stuff. Anytime I get sad… she nudges into my arms and puts her face near mine… she currently will not leave me alone. I know writing will help me feel better, but things are just bad today. Today my mood dipped pretty low. My arms hurt.

Gwendolyn

I may be posting more again soon … I am posting for therapy reasons. I feel better when I write. And I feel very isolated right now… I need this.

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