As a person with social anxiety disorder, I really have to admit that I hate shopping alone. I love bringing my kids everywhere with me because I can focus on them instead of everyone else. I know that may seem weird to some of you but I honestly have an easier time when I am with someone else.

Every week going alone is just getting so boring. I mean at least I don’t get looks for wearing my mask anymore. I used to have to wear it randomly through the year because I have something called VCD and it makes me cough a lot. Wearing a mask helps me keep stuff out of my airway and it also is nicer when I am coughing so much, so people don’t give me rude stares.

I try so hard to not look at people when they have an obvious medical problem, because I personally hate the stares.

It’s like when I have to wear kinesio tape. People really stare at you when you are wearing different colored tape all over your arms, but people like me…. I get fun stuff like carpal tunnel and I also have a knee disorder where my patella has some issues staying on track. So at one time I had tape literally all over me! And I picked fun colors.

Lately I have had pains in my arms and wrists again so the tape might be coming back out!

I always feel so broken.

And I know its okay.

I spent some of my day cutting out new masks from the new fabric I got this past week. I need to just sew them all together over the next few days. I mailed out 9 packages today. Over all I have spent over $200 in shipping costs mailing masks out, but thankfully I have had donations to help me. Especially since I don’t have any hours at work right now.

I am almost at 800 masks made. My goal is to hit 1000 before I have to have surgery. Because I don’t know when I will be able to do more after that. But of course I have not heard back from my doctors office this week. Not yet.

I just want this surgery over with.

My mother is ready to come out and help me with the kids while my husband continues to work. I am thankful I still have her around to help me. I have been enjoying the pool while I still can. I know once I get surgery it will be off limits. Oh well….

I have been enjoying teaching my daughter how to hold her breath in the water and hanging out with my son. We have a lot of fun now a days. Last year was a good and bad changing point for us. Good in so many ways…. bad in that I lost 2 people forever. (My grandma in law and my own grandma have both passed over a year ago now). I miss both of them so much.

Other things like how school has changed for us…starting homeschool last year…. going on that family trip… just getting away from toxic friendships. That helped us. I grew closer to family members and they showed support to me and my family. My MIL and FIL love hanging out with my kids, and I love how supportive they are of my husband and I. They are the best.

I don’t miss toxic friends. I don’t miss knowing people would talk about me and my family. I don’t miss the way people treat my son. True friends would have spoken to me… not about me.

As for family, yes eventually we will all be family again. But I don’t have to be forced into any friendships anymore. No lies. And I don’t have to let anyone step on me or talk bad about my son again. It’s just sad and disappointing that people don’t know how to apologize for something they know is wrong… my son was 10 years old and outcasted… my first child…the one who went through some of the toughest moments of my life… the child who was given up by his father… the child who has been in therapy since he was 3 because he struggles. The child who has no friends because others don’t understand him…. ADHD…adjustment disorders… sensory processing disorder…..

No wonder he never fit in with you. Open your eyes and accept others for who they are and offer to work with them. A parent could be struggling to help their child fit in and you may not know it or may not care. But we are learning and growing. This is a first for me…. my son was my first child. And he prepared me for the struggles I would go through…

My daughter has sensory issues too and I know eventually we will have to figure them out. We have two very different children…who are also very much alike… I never thought I would have kids and here I am… two very special very important children to me… I would never send one or the other away. I love them with all of my heart. They are a part of me. So when someone treats them poorly … that is like treating me poorly. Which is why I was so mad…

I still am mad.

Because no one has admitted they were wrong.

But I guess I will have to give up on some people ever having a heart.

It’s okay.

I have IRL friends.

I have twitter friends.

I have discord friends.

They may not be real to you but they are more real than any of my fake friends ever were to me.

I have such caring friends online who have helped me through so much. I am so thankful for that.

Heck I met my husband online… it seems most of the best people I have met ONLINE were worth it.

Back to making masks. I am done with my rant. I just needed to let that out.

To my followers,

I love you all for all of the support you have given.

I will be writing more hopefully.

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