When I was a teen I suffered a horrible depression. I am not certain what caused it, chemical or emotional stresses… I suffered alone most of the time because back then my mother, my doctors and everyone else said I had nothing to be depressed about. I remember that feeling to this date.

You know the feeling you get when you smell fresh rain in the woods? Anytime my emotions change, any time I grow as a person I feel it… and recently with this new medication I am on, I am feeling pain relief, as it was intended to help me with…but my depression is rearing its ugly head again. I keep having flashbacks to the days of self-harm, to being hospitalized those two times during my first year of college… It took me forever to go back to college because of those times…

I didn’t trust I wouldn’t have a break down again. But once my son was born, I promised to never hurt myself ever again…and I have kept that promise to him and to myself. My son saved my life.

Even with all the struggles I went through later, becoming a single mother for a while… fighting for custody, fighting for child support…I stayed strong. I grew as a person. But this feeling hurts.

I hate the feeling. My nightmares seem to be coming back but the thing is… I don’t want to get off these meds right now. To not have the neuropathic pain in my spine for a few hours a day…oh its worth it. I can handle depression. I am going to talk to my doctor about it soon to see if there is anything we can do about it, with out losing this medication that is helping me with pain.

In other news – My son is doing better in school. He is listening more to me. I think as he is getting older, hes just getting it. I asked him recently if he wanted to go back to public school any time soon and he said no. He likes homeschool online. So we will stick with it longer now. For the people who said we couldn’t do this…. you were wrong.

My children are my everything.

In the meantime – I currently am not scheduled for work. Since I am PRN (As needed) my hours will likely be cut until July or August per my work’s email to be today. Which is okay … I am actually waiting for my 2 surgeons to schedule my surgery again. I was actually scheduled for today but they couldn’t schedule one of the doctors… thats right I get 2 surgeons because I am a special case. Nah – the issue I have is called a Duplication Cyst and it is in a spot in my body that is more rare than most cysts like this… and it’s like less than 2% of people get it where I got mine, so my surgeon called upon her boss or who ever this other doctor is…for help. Nice right?

So they have to schedule both doctors. So they had to reschedule…I should hear from them soon. But when this surgery finally happens I will be out of commission for a while. I will be in the hospital over night minimum for one full night I heard. They said they have to remove my tailbone to get to the cyst if that clarifies where this cyst may be…yeah…its…going…to ,…..HURT to sit for a while…..

So once I do get stuff sorted and have my surgery I may see if my mom wants to sew masks, if she cant I will donate some of my stuff to a friend who is sewing or to the group I sew for and donate masks to. But until then I will try to keep getting out as many as I can. I am not working as much as I used to because I was in so much pain, so I am limiting myself so that I won’t be in as much pain. I am almost to 700 masks made. So thats nice…I am hoping to get to 1000 before I have to stop.

We shall see!

Oh well thats all that is new with me. I am looking for some online games to keep me busy after the surgery. If anyone has any suggestions please comment or contact me on twitter.

I will be fine. Thats all I have to keep telling myself.

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