These past few days have been a bit of an eye opener for me. I felt alone and cried over some stupid things. I felt like a failure as a mother because my daughter keeps having stomach issues, but after realizing that IF she has Celiac… I am not to blame. I know people who have it and contamination happens.

My two children ❤

Today I spoke to my husband and alerted him of one issue… so we are not testing for Celiac for a few months because of my daughter’s age and the fact that she is literally allergic to wheat, so introducing Gluten to her is going to be tough for a real test.

The issue is … IF we actually get a positive result… we may need to get a bunch of new kitchen appliances…. everything we have has been used to cook so much Gluten. My husband actually suggested we just go fully Gluten free IF we get a positive diagnosis eventually. So that might be our house hold….of course we are going to make some positive changes right now in the meantime.

We won’t be replacing all of our stuff just yet – we are going to go through the testing process and I am going to trial rice again soon. (Yes, my daughter also has a rice allergy).

What can you do?

So the subject… here is what I feel about life right now.

I am an accidental homeschooler, accidentally gluten free, accidentally falling into these things that are so “popular” to be doing right now. But I don’t fit IN… not with the people who do them because its “cool”. I joined groups on facebook for these topics and the communities vary… some of the homeschool groups are just brutal…they HATE public schools so much… and I am not in FULL hate with public schools. I ended up home schooling because my son has health issues (ADHD, Mood disorder, and sensory processing disorder), which caused us so many issues and the public school situation just disappointed me, so we chose to home school eventually. And its working for us!

As for the Gluten free stuff…. again…. lets start with my son who has ADHD, I found over the years that if I limit gluten intake, he behaves better! There is some stuff written about it as well – along with certain food dyes. Anyways we have been slowly introducing all of that stuff for a bit and then… my daughter was born… with FPIES…a food allergy- and her trigger foods SO FAR – are wheat, oats, rice, broccoli and pineapple…she also MIGHT have Celiac…we are still in the testing phase, while trying to rule out other things….

My youngest

So we are starting to become “that family” with the gluten free rules, food allergies, I am the mom at the store with both of my kids and people ask my son why he isn’t in school… well… we have more of a flexible schedule so we can go to the store, and then resume classes. I am finally falling into a routine. Home schooling is getting easier….

I still don’t fit in…. not with the moms who choose to do this because they hate the public school system…. I admit I have issues with it. But NOT EVERYONE CAN HOME SCHOOL.

I am lucky….

I worked from home anyways –

I have a job that is VERY flexible…

I have a husband who can provide for me and both of my kids…

I get child support still for my son and that helps pay for his medical and home school stuff… so I mean I am very lucky. A lot of moms…. and dads work full time – late shifts, or struggle with bills. I know people who would love to home school but can’t.

I am going to blog these transitions to let you all know how it goes…but also to show other moms who might be going through the same situations that you are not alone. Shitty stuff happens, family members who are supposed to support you act like idiots and kick you out of groups via text, people break promises, the school lets you down, and when you need your friends, sometimes they have stuff going on as well… and can’t be there for you.

But you can do it.

I found my support online, via facebook, via twitter, and discord. I have friends across a few platforms and I don’t have to be alone.

Don’t feel bad for feeling bad…

Cry…

Let yourself feel things – never lock your emotions away.

Me trying to make myself look happy

I suffer from major depressive disorder and am very very used to hiding my feelings from so many people. I have been more honest in real life and online about my feelings and I have been able to just be more free.

If someone can’t accept me when I am at my most depressed, then they don’t need to be in life when I am at my best / most happiest…

What changed me this year? I have always been a bit out spoken, I grew up in New Jersey… but someone I loved, someone who always supported me these last 9 years passed away. And I don’t have her to talk to anymore. (This was my Grandma in Law). She was always there for me – and she used to agree with me and I would talk to her about issues I was going through and she was there…. and now shes not. And I found myself crying a lot…because I miss that relationship that was amazing to have.

I may not have her here anymore but I can imagine her response to my problems, and her reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

My relationship with my MIL & FIL has gotten so much better as well – which is great. I am glad that my kids can have a good relationship with their grandparents.

Somehow – things are working themselves out. I have a few things I want to fix…but I am working on things one at a time.

Practice shot from my new camera

In the meantime – I am going to practice using my new camera – I want to get my hobby back. I may do some more driving to get some shots I have wanted to get – but have put off for too long. I am going to start cooking more home made Gluten free stuff and I may make a section on this blog for that too… so if anyone has any things you would like me to try to make, let me know!

I am the accidental mom 😉 Just trying to grow my family – one day at a time.

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