I can’t grant forgiveness.

I know it seems silly but it’s what is going on right now. We discuss this every so often – “do you want to forgive them?” and I get a “Not yet” or a “No I am still mad at them.”

Recently I got a, “They don’t treat you right, they never have…” kind of response. And I have to respect his decision to not grant forgiveness. I personally am still mad about the situation but I can forgive and move on. I personally don’t like to dwell on topics. And I don’t have to see them too often anyways.

But he is a little different, there are many things he is upset about the situation that took place a few months ago. And I can’t force him to forgive, especially if he is not ready to forgive.

I wonder how long it will take him. He isn’t wrong. They do treat me like shit, and honestly I don’t forgive them for what they said about my child.

It’s odd.

I dislike people like them. And I personally do not miss the get together. I know it meant something to my husband though, so I care about his feelings. I know we will never be a group again and so does he. But the people who betrayed us, were family. And eventually it needs to be brought up, and forgiven, even if the forgiveness is only skin deep.

I have to keep reminding myself though, this can’t be forced.

I love my husband. I trust him to never hurt me, or our children. Yes I complain about him sometimes, because he lacks certain knowledge about my depression or maybe its my depression making me lack understanding of him, and what he has to deal with daily. What ever it is, he’s good to me. We get along, we understand each other.

This bump in the road made us closer – to be honest.

We have had more talks concerning family matters – and we have straightened out a few subjects that needed to be talked about. I feel less stressed about certain things and for once, at home things are going better with my son’s homeschooling. I haven’t been writing much because – well – I just didn’t feel like it.

I have depression and sometimes the only thing I can write about are my feelings, and even I get sick of my own feelings.

I would like to write more about what’s going on finally.

We found a curriculum that I am happy with – my son likes it and there is less struggle with teaching him it. Its mostly on the computer- so I don’t have to do A LOT of the teaching, but I have to reinforce some lessons with paperwork and I am getting into some subjects with him that are not offered, but I want to teach him… because with his ADHD and other issues, he needs some extra help.

My son started playing the guitar this last month, he takes lessons now. My daughter started walking last month, and she is in music therapy twice a month now. I have lost 10 lbs since starting my diet and am struggling to lose more than that, but I know I can get back on track.

And finally – we are going on a vacation soon enough. I will write about it eventually, but we plan to see Yellowstone with the kids and we are renting a house, so we get to bring the dog with us as well. She can’t come “TO” Yellowstone but she can go pretty much anywhere else we go, so that will be nice.

I have been reassured by friends and family that I am doing the right thing for my son, and I am thankful for that support I received. Unlike a “friend” who said I pretty much had no right to teach my own child bc I am not a teacher – (the school system failed my son, and many other parents agree with taking this path). Home schooling is not for everyone. Public school is not for everyone.

But – the more we do this – the more I would like to home school my daughter. It might be an option, if we stay in Albuquerque, I don’t like the school system here. It’s crap. I want the best for my children. And for those of you who say home schooled children can’t function… My cousins were home schooled. And one of them just became a nurse… another is a pilot. So I think we can have success.

I will be updating more often I hope. I just have a lot on my brain.

1 Comment on “It’s not up to me –

  1. Keep doing you. Everyone has their own timetable on forgiveness. It is okay to step back from any situation and weigh out the pros and cons. There are a lot of things I want to forgive with people that have hurt me in my past, but the most important thing to remember is that you also need to forgive yourself for taking that time to yourself and not letting anyone make you feel guilty for how you feel. I am still learning that lesson every day. Keep on truckin’ grrl. Much love for you and your family. Blessed be.

    Liked by 1 person

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