I don’t have many fears. I am not afraid of heights, or going too fast. But I fear regretting something for the rest of my life. Making a decision that will live with me forever… you can’t turn back time.

I don’t regret many things I have done. I don’t regret meeting my ex…my son’s father. With out meeting him, with out his lies… my son would not be around… and I love my children. It’s regretting about paths I didn’t take in my life, like where I moved, why I moved, people I have lost due to the moves…. just normal regrets…

But honestly in the time the decisions were made, they seemed like the best option. I am forced to know that I could have had more time with a friend I moved further away from, but he sadly passed away from health complications with his cystic fibrosis. I miss him and regret the time we missed together. He would have probably still passed away…its the time together I miss…the memories we could have had. But then again… it would have altered other parts of my life.

Of course I have other fears, like losing family. I lost my nephew when he was only 1 yr 5 months 8 days old… when I was a teenager. It was one of the biggest losses I had felt in my young age. My uncle was murdered back in 1999, another loss. These two deaths shaped how I grew.

The death of my other uncle…in the hospital I worked at… changed me. I was not very close to this uncle but had been checking on him daily to keep him company. I got a call to go to his room because hospice said he had very little time left. I went to his room and held his hand as he died. My family didn’t make it in time to see him pass or to comfort him. It was my first close up encounter with death. I do not regret being there for him.

I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing though….

When I got to his room he was in obvious pain, struggling to breath. The nurse said to me that they could give him morphine to help him not suffer, but that there was nothing they could do for him. He was passing…but that the morphine could make him pass sooner…. My mother was about an hour away or so… my grandma was on her way too. But I told the nurse to make my uncle comfortable. I told her I could not let him suffer.

In return… I was the only one there from my family. I felt like I had stolen moments from my family, but who is to say how long he would have lived to see my mom or my grandma… he was in pain and dying. I told the chaplain that I just wanted him to not suffer.

I regret having to make the decision. But … I don’t regret the next things I did. I called his ex wife, whom he recently reconnected with and let her say her goodbyes to him. I held his hand until I saw him stop breathing…and then I waited some more and had the nurse call the doctor to officially call his time of death.

My mother felt bad that I had to be there alone, but I felt worse that she didn’t get to say goodbye. My mother knows the decisions I had to make and no one has ever accused me of stealing their time with my uncle. But I hurt sometimes thinking about it.

I regret not being able to visit my husband’s grandmother a few more times before she passed away, but I do not regret sneaking the kids in 2 days before she passed away. She got to see both the kids one last time. She told me how beautiful my daughter was, and asked me to get her out of the hospital and take her home. That’s one thing we couldn’t do… and I regret she couldn’t pass away at her home…

Again, I don’t regret too many things…just things that are more permanent. i do not regret leaving certain people… old friends who didn’t support me, ex’s who cheated on me, not every move I made ended in regret.

I regret trusting certain people – but that was my own stupidity. I regret not getting help sooner for my depression. I let it almost snuff me out. So many people knew back then … but did nothing. I regret not being more honest with myself. I regret letting people step on me. I used to be so strong. But sometimes I get so worn down by this depression… I know depression lies.

I regret not writing more. I regret not taking more photos. My writers block has been back. It has been horrible. I have been trying to fill my creative cup again but it’s been hard.

My family has had a lot change over this past half year. And it’s been very stressful. We have had horrible friends…horrible family members and then it all broke down. All of a sudden my husband and I got closer… because of these things that tried to tear us apart. The horrible friends are gone now. Our horrible family members never apologized to us and they have been locked out of our lives for now. And I am leaving it up to my husband on when he wants to hear from them.

This year one thing did happen that I truly love. My sister who has been absent from my life, contacted me. I had been reaching out to her by sending her photos of my youngest child monthly, until she finally reached back out to me. We may not be the best of friends but I have her back. For anyone who thinks its strange to not talk to your sibling for years… I did not grow up with my siblings…only my one brother. I am one of six…

I know I am opening up here tonight. I just really need to write. My brain has just felt so pressured. My husband and I finally planned a trip with the kids and the dog coming up soon. I will write about it once it has happened.

I feel bad that my husband lost his friends because they were not willing to discuss things with us, and decided to kick my son out of their group get together. My son just turned 11 by the way. We were told he was kicked out via text… by a family member. It hurt us…because we thought maybe these people respected us more. But it really was a dagger in the back. So we cut ties.

As a parent of a child with ADHD, Sensory Processing, and a mood disorder… I am used to people treating my son horribly. But we thought these people were better than that. We were wrong… The thing is….

I don’t miss them.

I feel less depressed with out these fake friends and family. The only thing I want, is for someday … that my husband gets his brother back. Honestly I just want those two to get along. I don’t care about anything else… I don’t need the friends. I don’t need to pretend to be certain people’s “friend” anymore. I don’t care… I am done. But I know how important family is. Siblings that is…. family.

That is not up to me though. That is up to him and his brother.

I know it hurts other people though, I know there is stress and struggles his parents feel from all of this. But, it’s no longer my battle. I cannot force anyone to apologize or realize what they said was hurtful and wrong.

I can just continue to protect my children. Stigma….

I fucking hate the stigma that comes with mental illnesses….

If you haven’t lived it, it’s hard to see it…to understand it…

I have lived it… my severe depression is never ending. I have had this for at least 20 years.

I was so angry that this year my blog and twitter became someone’s fucking playground. I was told to not write about things here… because someone didn’t like what I had to say.

I don’t care.

This is my place to write. You don’t know what I have lived through, and that years ago my therapist told me to continue to blog. I regret not listening back then. They said it was a good idea for me since I am able to just vent things out.

So to this person who decided to try to silence me – fuck you. Yes you. You were selfish. You didn’t like what people had to say about you.

I hope someday that I could say I have defeated depression, but I know that is a long way away…. until then I live for moments of love and happiness.

My feelings are so tremendous… the way I feel things is amplified. Love…hate… sadness. It is a god damn emotional roller-coaster. But I love the people I had met on this journey. I have some good friends on twitter that I probably would not have connected with otherwise… I do not regret meeting them.

I have been told that they aren’t real friends…because we talk via internet. But … so many of my friendships started this way…. I met my friend John online via my first blog… I met my husband online… I have met many people that I have created great friendships with online… Some I would not trade for in person contacts…. not for the world… I would love to meet these people some day…yes…but I wouldn’t trade them for anything…

I find it hard to tell you all how I feel lately because I felt like family and friends hurt me a lot this year. I felt… not like myself. I am tired of it and have decided to be myself again. I talk a lot…I type a lot… I have stories… I am trying to find myself again here…

God life is so busy lately too…I homeschool my son, I have my daughter who is WALKING now… and music lessons for my son…. he is learning spanish. Ugh so much… and my dog…

Sometimes I don’t have time for me….

Sorry this post is long by the way. I just needed to get all of this crap out of my system. And my depression and anxiety have been really been amped up this year. My husband and I both lost our grandmothers with in 2 weeks of one another and during that time… I just broke. And occasionally I will break …

And that’s okay….

It’s okay to break….

It’s okay to cry….

Thank you to all of my friends, online or offline… for the support I have received from you all. I do appreciate it very much.

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