To be or not to be…(TW: Depression, sensitive details)

Sometimes I can’t keep up with myself. Mental illness…

For a long time I hid it. For many years in my teens, I let it live my life for me. I want to open up here about it…

Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety disorder, that is what I have, at least that is what I have been told. I have also been told that I have issues with my father, which are true. But they do not weigh me down.

Right now I am on a 2 week vacation from my medication. I know it’s not always a good idea to go off medication, but my medication causes some side affects. I needed a break from them temporarily, but now I have to start going back on my meds to get a hold of my depression again. It takes my body about 2 full weeks to get back to the point of depression where I feel hopeless…

I am about 2 days into that feeling, maybe more… But I finally noticed I had been distancing myself from a few friends online and that is how I notice it.

Let me open up here…. when I was teen I used to self harm… A LOT. Somehow my doctors never noticed it and never diagnosed me with depression until I was hospitalized for having suicidal thoughts and threatened my life at age 18 … and someone finally got me hospitalized. I have my journal from “those days”, so I can remember what I went through.

So when I got old enough to get piercings… I turned to that to get my pain to let my self hatred out. My piercer knew I did this and we talked about it. He was a nice guy. He saw the burns on my arms and told me he would rather give me a piercing, and help me not hurt myself in other ways. And it helped…. I had quite a bit of piercings, eye brow, nose, various other body parts… But I finally found something that stopped me….

It took years…

When I got pregnant with my son…I made him a promise. To get better.

I have not hurt myself since 2007. I still think about it when I get into my severe depressive episodes. But that’s when I realize I need my medication. I have a chemical imbalance… I have tried “natural” ways to get over my severe reoccurring depression… they don’t work for me. Medication and some therapy has helped. But I am no where near perfect.

I have found my tribe online – others who have gone through similar depressive episodes and anxiety and they help me. So when people tell me my “online friends” are not real, I get mad. My “online” friends have been here for me emotionally when my family has no clue what I am going through.

I was told once… THAT…”You have nothing to be depressed about”. Which …. really pisses me off…again its a chemical imbalance… I do not WANT to be depressed. I want to be happy like every other person.

I need to vent this because today has been really hard… I love my family. I love the life I have. But when my depression hits me I cry, I feel fragile. I feel like I did back when I was teen hurting myself. For a while back in NJ… I was handling myself pretty well off of medication… I did find comfort in having some really good supportive friends…. and frequent trips to the beach at midnight helped me….

My brain is everywhere again. I can tell when I get too down when I NEED…. background noise. I can’t work, I can’t live …with out having something in the background taking my mind off of myself… my own inner pain…

I get a lot of flashbacks from various life events that my brain wants to relive.

I personally would love to forget these specific life events but … with depression comes my racing thoughts. I can make a different post about each of these events (with names changed) but today I am almost out of time.

I just needed to vent a bit before I go to a family event… my brain kept racing this morning. I won’t hurt myself….so don’t worry. But I am struggling right now. I don’t mean to push anyone away right now. But I know when I need to let you all know that I am hurting right now.

I am going back on my meds tomorrow (a lower dose) but I am going back on them to help. My social anxiety is causing issue with me actually getting another therapist. My favorite psychiatrist left when I got pregnant 2 years ago. I was so angry he left… I felt like I could actually trust him. And of course…all the good ones leave. It takes a special person for me to respect them and want to talk about my life issues…things I probably won’t mention on here… things… I don’t really hide but I respect what people have gone through enough to not share certain facts …

I wish the stigma with depression and mental illness was not so … bad… I can’t think of a nice word other than that. I hate STIGMA.

Sorry my thoughts feel like they are everywhere today…

What do you do to handle your depression or anxiety? I have been living with this since I was maybe 13…. I am now 34. So over 20 years now.

My anxiety is telling me to not post this but my depression says I need to vent… so we will see how this post is received. I have been just distancing myself… trying not to… but I feel like I want to just sleep all day again.

I hate depression….

Depression lies #thebloggesstribe

Just remember that….


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