Regret

I don’t have many fears. I am not afraid of heights, or going too fast. But I fear regretting something for the rest of my life. Making a decision that will live with me forever… you can’t turn back time.

I don’t regret many things I have done. I don’t regret meeting my ex…my son’s father. With out meeting him, with out his lies… my son would not be around… and I love my children. It’s regretting about paths I didn’t take in my life, like where I moved, why I moved, people I have lost due to the moves…. just normal regrets…

But honestly in the time the decisions were made, they seemed like the best option. I am forced to know that I could have had more time with a friend I moved further away from, but he sadly passed away from health complications with his cystic fibrosis. I miss him and regret the time we missed together. He would have probably still passed away…its the time together I miss…the memories we could have had. But then again… it would have altered other parts of my life.

Of course I have other fears, like losing family. I lost my nephew when he was only 1 yr 5 months 8 days old… when I was a teenager. It was one of the biggest losses I had felt in my young age. My uncle was murdered back in 1999, another loss. These two deaths shaped how I grew.

The death of my other uncle…in the hospital I worked at… changed me. I was not very close to this uncle but had been checking on him daily to keep him company. I got a call to go to his room because hospice said he had very little time left. I went to his room and held his hand as he died. My family didn’t make it in time to see him pass or to comfort him. It was my first close up encounter with death. I do not regret being there for him.

I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing though….

When I got to his room he was in obvious pain, struggling to breath. The nurse said to me that they could give him morphine to help him not suffer, but that there was nothing they could do for him. He was passing…but that the morphine could make him pass sooner…. My mother was about an hour away or so… my grandma was on her way too. But I told the nurse to make my uncle comfortable. I told her I could not let him suffer.

In return… I was the only one there from my family. I felt like I had stolen moments from my family, but who is to say how long he would have lived to see my mom or my grandma… he was in pain and dying. I told the chaplain that I just wanted him to not suffer.

I regret having to make the decision. But … I don’t regret the next things I did. I called his ex wife, whom he recently reconnected with and let her say her goodbyes to him. I held his hand until I saw him stop breathing…and then I waited some more and had the nurse call the doctor to officially call his time of death.

My mother felt bad that I had to be there alone, but I felt worse that she didn’t get to say goodbye. My mother knows the decisions I had to make and no one has ever accused me of stealing their time with my uncle. But I hurt sometimes thinking about it.

I regret not being able to visit my husband’s grandmother a few more times before she passed away, but I do not regret sneaking the kids in 2 days before she passed away. She got to see both the kids one last time. She told me how beautiful my daughter was, and asked me to get her out of the hospital and take her home. That’s one thing we couldn’t do… and I regret she couldn’t pass away at her home…

Again, I don’t regret too many things…just things that are more permanent. i do not regret leaving certain people… old friends who didn’t support me, ex’s who cheated on me, not every move I made ended in regret.

I regret trusting certain people – but that was my own stupidity. I regret not getting help sooner for my depression. I let it almost snuff me out. So many people knew back then … but did nothing. I regret not being more honest with myself. I regret letting people step on me. I used to be so strong. But sometimes I get so worn down by this depression… I know depression lies.

I regret not writing more. I regret not taking more photos. My writers block has been back. It has been horrible. I have been trying to fill my creative cup again but it’s been hard.

My family has had a lot change over this past half year. And it’s been very stressful. We have had horrible friends…horrible family members and then it all broke down. All of a sudden my husband and I got closer… because of these things that tried to tear us apart. The horrible friends are gone now. Our horrible family members never apologized to us and they have been locked out of our lives for now. And I am leaving it up to my husband on when he wants to hear from them.

This year one thing did happen that I truly love. My sister who has been absent from my life, contacted me. I had been reaching out to her by sending her photos of my youngest child monthly, until she finally reached back out to me. We may not be the best of friends but I have her back. For anyone who thinks its strange to not talk to your sibling for years… I did not grow up with my siblings…only my one brother. I am one of six…

I know I am opening up here tonight. I just really need to write. My brain has just felt so pressured. My husband and I finally planned a trip with the kids and the dog coming up soon. I will write about it once it has happened.

I feel bad that my husband lost his friends because they were not willing to discuss things with us, and decided to kick my son out of their group get together. My son just turned 11 by the way. We were told he was kicked out via text… by a family member. It hurt us…because we thought maybe these people respected us more. But it really was a dagger in the back. So we cut ties.

As a parent of a child with ADHD, Sensory Processing, and a mood disorder… I am used to people treating my son horribly. But we thought these people were better than that. We were wrong… The thing is….

I don’t miss them.

I feel less depressed with out these fake friends and family. The only thing I want, is for someday … that my husband gets his brother back. Honestly I just want those two to get along. I don’t care about anything else… I don’t need the friends. I don’t need to pretend to be certain people’s “friend” anymore. I don’t care… I am done. But I know how important family is. Siblings that is…. family.

That is not up to me though. That is up to him and his brother.

I know it hurts other people though, I know there is stress and struggles his parents feel from all of this. But, it’s no longer my battle. I cannot force anyone to apologize or realize what they said was hurtful and wrong.

I can just continue to protect my children. Stigma….

I fucking hate the stigma that comes with mental illnesses….

If you haven’t lived it, it’s hard to see it…to understand it…

I have lived it… my severe depression is never ending. I have had this for at least 20 years.

I was so angry that this year my blog and twitter became someone’s fucking playground. I was told to not write about things here… because someone didn’t like what I had to say.

I don’t care.

This is my place to write. You don’t know what I have lived through, and that years ago my therapist told me to continue to blog. I regret not listening back then. They said it was a good idea for me since I am able to just vent things out.

So to this person who decided to try to silence me – fuck you. Yes you. You were selfish. You didn’t like what people had to say about you.

I hope someday that I could say I have defeated depression, but I know that is a long way away…. until then I live for moments of love and happiness.

My feelings are so tremendous… the way I feel things is amplified. Love…hate… sadness. It is a god damn emotional roller-coaster. But I love the people I had met on this journey. I have some good friends on twitter that I probably would not have connected with otherwise… I do not regret meeting them.

I have been told that they aren’t real friends…because we talk via internet. But … so many of my friendships started this way…. I met my friend John online via my first blog… I met my husband online… I have met many people that I have created great friendships with online… Some I would not trade for in person contacts…. not for the world… I would love to meet these people some day…yes…but I wouldn’t trade them for anything…

I find it hard to tell you all how I feel lately because I felt like family and friends hurt me a lot this year. I felt… not like myself. I am tired of it and have decided to be myself again. I talk a lot…I type a lot… I have stories… I am trying to find myself again here…

God life is so busy lately too…I homeschool my son, I have my daughter who is WALKING now… and music lessons for my son…. he is learning spanish. Ugh so much… and my dog…

Sometimes I don’t have time for me….

Sorry this post is long by the way. I just needed to get all of this crap out of my system. And my depression and anxiety have been really been amped up this year. My husband and I both lost our grandmothers with in 2 weeks of one another and during that time… I just broke. And occasionally I will break …

And that’s okay….

It’s okay to break….

It’s okay to cry….

Thank you to all of my friends, online or offline… for the support I have received from you all. I do appreciate it very much.

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Reel Paper

I have a lovely family of four and we use so much toilet paper, paper towels and other disposable items to clean ourselves with daily. I know there has to be something better out there for us, that is better for the environment but still works just as well as the store brands…So I tried Reel Paper…(Yes we are talking toilet paper, but give me a chance to explain…)

Let’s get to the subject of how you could help the environment every day. I was given the opportunity to try out Reel Paper, which is made of 100% bamboo – not trees. Bamboo grows fast – it can grow 3 ft in 24 hours! So why cut down all of those trees to waste on toilet paper?

I have to say, Reel Paper was actually pretty nice. I feel with all of the toilet paper my family goes through that we need to make this change to a better resource. Bamboo uses less water when its growing and it puts out more oxygen! Reel Paper was soft but also strong enough to use with my kids.

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Remember: I only promote products that I have tried myself – this is an ad, and I do receive products from companies for free or for a discounted price to promote them, but I stand behind these products 100%.

My darling little girl is 20 months old today

And boy do I have photos for you! My son’s photos will also be included. I am going to take his school year photos soon, I forgot to tell him to wear something nice for today so we will retake with dressy clothes on another date 🙂

A beast behind the wheel

“I am not a horrible driver,” is what I keep telling myself over and over. For the 4th time today, I had to explain to someone I know that my car, which is less than 5 years old and only has about 27,000 miles on it… needs an entire new engine…

“Also, I’m blaming your crazy driving, JK.” My friend texts me, after I tell her what the car dealership told me about my poor car needing a new engine… and that I will get a rental car paid for by Kia, because my car is still under warranty. I am honestly so thankful that this is covered…

Last week I was driving home with my husband from a family member’s home. I looked over and BAM …

Now … I don’t actually drive my car much, just to the store about a mile away…and sometimes to the mall. My son is home schooled… and I work from home. So for my car to just break on me, was weird. So I took it in to the dealer, the soonest they could see me was in 5 or 6 days. I am very glad that I did not ignore this issue.

This morning, I turned on my car, and took it to the car dealer across town. They had the closest appointment, and on my way there..I noticed that the engine light did not turn on…

“My service engine light isn’t on anymore, but don’t trust my car, it’s full of lies,” I told the service tech. He laughed. “Oh and the check oil light is on, but I had that changed 5oo miles ago…so that shouldn’t be happening,” I told him. He wrote it down and said he would also check that as well. “Oh and I can’t get UVO to work on my phone connected to the car anymore.” He told me a sales person would set that up with me after the car was fixed, UVO is an app that comes with the car, which you can do diagnostic alerts on. My UVO stopped working about 1 year into me owning the car.

I am a lazy person.

My mother came to pick me up at the car dealership… and as I have mentioned before, I have social anxiety. It kills me… (Or at least it feels like it.) After I checked my car in, and took out my daughter’s car seat, I called my mother to see where she was.

“I am out side in the parking lot, I have been here for 10 minutes…” my mother told me. “Hmmm are you on the wrong side of the building?” I asked her. “I am in front of a door that says parts…” she said back. “I saw a sign that said parts and that was on the opposite side, drive around and come get me,” I told her, and hung up once she agreed. I did have the car seat, the baby in a stroller, a 11 year old…and no clue where she was.

5 minutes pass….

I call my mom back. “Where are you? Are you even at the right car dealership?” I asked her. “Yes, It says the name of the dealership you mentioned. I have driven around the building twice and did not see you…” she explains…

“Okay, I will look for you again…. are you SURE you are at the right building…KIA….??” I ask her again. “Yes!” she is starting to think I must be hiding somewhere.

I got onto twitter and tweeted out the following tweet….

I was fairly certain by now….20 minutes later… that my mother was indeed at the wrong dealership. But every time I called her, she sounded so certain that I was just tricking her and she finally caved in and said “I am going in side and I am going to ask the help desk where to go!”

“Okay…..” *Phone clicks*

I waited another 5 or so minutes before my mother called me back…

“I am at the wrong dealership… the lady said that the dealership you are at is up the road….” she sounded so defeated.

“Yeah I thought you were lost… I mean …I would have seen you driving around and around…. ” I see my mother drive up at this point… “We see you”. My son runs out to greet her and I collect my toddler…the car seat…the stroller… her books…the baby bag… and follow my son out to the car.

I cannot believe that my mother drove around the wrong car dealership… it didn’t even say KIA on it…. *sigh*

So the car dealership said they would call me in 3 hours. I gave them about 5 1/2 hours, and then I called them. I needed to know if my car would be having a sleep over at the dealership or not anyways.

I spoke to an amazingly nice mechanic who explained to me that they ran diagnostics, and that they just got the results back and had to talk to KIA because my engine would need to be replaced…. completely…

BUT… that is was under warranty. And that they just needed to get permission to do the job first. I butted in and asked him about a loaner car because…obviously…if my engine needed to be replaced, I knew I would be with out a car for a while. “Yes, Kia will pay for that too… you will get a rental through enterprise and we will pay for it.” he explained.

I probably said thank you 19 times…

Thankfully this is covered under my warranty.

The guy said that my car might have something called “Rod Knock”. Which apparently sucks… and its just easier and cheaper to just give me a new engine instead of fixing it. I mean I don’t mind, just give me a working car in the end and I will be happy.

I called my husband later in the day and made him guess what the problem was with my car… he actually GUESSED “do you need a new engine?” and I just laughed… and said yes. He said something along the lines of “You aren’t allowed to have a new car until I get a new one!” he says this because I got my car about 4 1/2 years ago due to a car accident and had to replace my car. And he really wants a new car, but we are still making payments on MY current car. *giggles*

We can afford a second car. He is just picky. That’s fine though. He can be the financially responsible one out of the two of us if he would like.

So tomorrow I am scheduled to pick up a car from enterprise to help me get around until my car is fixed… or reanimated…

I never gave my car a name… maybe I could call her a zombie car now if it gets redone… or frankin-car? If you can think of a name for my car, let me know. I still don’t know how I broke my car…

But so far, Kia is doing an amazing job with customer service. Way to go kia… 🙂

Prepping for Homeschool

Today has been exhausting, we are very new to homeschooling. We started earlier this year and completed 5th grade but this week we decided to start 6th grade. I bought some more supplies, after figuring out what didn’t work for me at the end of 5th grade for my son, and I am trying to organize our day to make this easier on us.

My son’s daily tasks are on the computer program we use and I printed the materials, like tests and quiz packets. I sorted them into the folders I labeled for him so that when it is time to complete certain work on certain days (we need a schedule unlike some home schoolers), he will know in advance how much work he has to complete for me.

I am still trying to find a foreign language program that we would like to use. I may try the one on time4learning, I believe they use rosetta stone. My son actually said he would like to use the latin learning program. I took latin in high school, and did very well at it. So I feel that I could help him and learn as well.

I want to prove to people that we can do this. I know other people who home school who have less education than myself and less resources. I want to prove to people that my son can have an education, beyond the special education courses he took in public school that failed him. We feel this last year of p.s. has literally dropped him behind where he would have been if I just sucked it up and home schooled sooner. I was too scared to.

I really hate that I let him go on in p.s. for so long. I hate that I let people convince me that I couldn’t home school him myself. I have the resources, the money and the time. I still choose to work PRN at the medical facility I previously worked F/T for. But I work 2 days a week for 4 hours a day only. I could work more if I wanted…but honestly I have a toddler and I home school. I think 2 days is enough for now. I am starting to look at preschool materials for my daughter as well since … her food allergies are just bad enough to where I don’t feel safe with her going to preschool in a year with them. Unless she outgrows some of them.

I am going to be prepared to educate her as well if needed. I am crossing my fingers that we can just send her to preschool so she can have fun with other children. Home schooling was not my first option… and I hate it when people try to judge me for choosing it. I chose it to help my child. I chose to leave a F/T position that I loved because I love my child more. I have had “friends” suggest that a parent cannot teach their child and pretty much assume I was telling them that I was better than them…for some reason… bc I chose to teach my child out side of the school. She said she felt that her degree was not replaceable it seems. And I agree.. she might be a good teacher…BUT… my son is not a “normal” case. We tried school… and it failed us… he was being left behind …the teachers couldn’t handle his ADHD and other issues.

So who would I be as a mother to LET him fail? He has a life as well. It’s my job to help him be successful.

*SIGH*

Anyways… I am happy to be a part of the home schooling community now. They have opened their arms up to me and welcomed me in to their groups. I feel a bit lost at times because I do believe some children thrive in public school…but we just didn’t. It was a hard choice for me to make.

Not all of us moms want to leave our jobs… but at least I work from home. I can go back F/T eventually. For now I will learn how to be a better home schooling mom. For my son.

SIDE NOTE: I have a hard time with homeschooling groups because of my social anxiety. I hate meet ups…but I love them. I hate meeting new people, but I know we need to. Its a daily struggle.

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