I’m not broken

A few weeks ago I talked to my OBGYN about PPD (post partum depression). I was formally diagnosed and given an antidepressant for treatment. Now in all honesty, I have been depressed before and I have had it worse than this. But I knew I was allowing this stress to dictate my day to day life. Sadly though the medication did create a small decrease in my breast milk and then I got sick with a horrible cold which decreased my milk even more, so I stopped the medication and am kind of getting anxious and depressed again but I am dealing with it and trying to decide what my next steps are.

I was fine for about a week. But then today I was noticing how anxious I was and how I felt…broken. I realized after a few hours of worrying about something …that it was because I was no longer on the medication that was prescribed to help me. I was supposed to have a follow up visit with my doctor but since I was sick for almost 2 weeks, I had to cancel my appointment TWICE. I am still trying to decide when to go back.

In the meantime I am trying to help a family member who is going through the same thing (slightly different but shes a new mom, and she has ppd as well). I feel for her, I know how it is and being a mom of 3, I wish more people were around to help support new moms, not matter how many kids you have. Hormones are the worst and I am entering the stage of my post partum where I have hairloss, fun times right? Not only are women trying to get back in shape from birthing an entire human, dealing with aging and saggy skin, but now hair loss too?

Holidays are coming up and things are changing here as well. The dogs cannot stay outside as much because of the cold and allergies. So they are inside going stir crazy. The co-op we are in meets outdoors so I am trying to make sure the kids are bundled up enough. We are trying to sort out xmas gifts, money and who to allow near the baby and our almost 4 year old. Heck I don’t even know what to do for her birthday this year. I would love to do a birthday party but honestly it isn’t a smart idea. I want to wait until she is old enough for a vaccination against COVID, as well as her little sister.

Later this month my son (my oldest child) will be traveling to Indiana to visit his father. He generally goes to his dad’s ONCE a year, we missed the summer time but he was talked into visiting for Thanksgiving. He is nervous about COVID, right fully so. But I am buying him a bunch of masks to wear and we are going to test him BEFORE he goes, he will get a test THERE and he will get a test once he is home. The free tests my state provides is EASY to do and they ship over night, you can get your results with in 24 hours if you ship it off asap.

My son is vaccinated. But my two younger children are not old enough yet. Hence the testing. Traveling on an airplane is tricky because he will be so close to other people for the first time since the pandemic started. Most of our events we go to are outdoors or fully masked and he is going to his anti-covid vaxxer dad’s house. So yeah…

Ugh well – I realized it is almost midnight and I need to get some rest so off I go to bed!

It’s a busy life – here are some photos

I was finally able to go out and take photos of my family for the fall season, but I was too set on getting my kids looking nice that I didn’t notice my hair looked wonky and my husband is HORRIBLE at correcting my appearance before photos, so oh well. The kids look nice at least…

I have a few favorites below of the kids

I want to learn to take better self portraits with the kids so I can be in more family photos with them, but I am horrible about being self aware while trying to get them to pose properly. UGH… and my husband sucks at photography (sorry Ben).

Anyways, I will write again soon, I just wanted to post something today. I have been busy… (see twitter). I just want to find time to write but then I never get time to sit at an actual computer.

My brain is going to explode!

After a year or more in quarantine, we are sort of being social. My son is 13 and we joined a co-op for homeschoolers locally. They meet once a week and my son is very socially awkward and needs friends, so he will go for a few hours, he is vaccinated. We also do online stuff with this same group, we like the kids. My daughter still does gymnastics (masked and the facility cleans a lot). And she now does Hippotherapy once a week. We also meet up at a park with masks starting next month with our troop (we joined https://curiosityuntamed.com/) with a few homeschoolers, and we will be earning badges with them!

But this is a lot… I have an infant, a 3 year old and a 13 year old. My brain cannot handle all this right now so I have been neglecting everyone online here and I am sorry. But I am getting used to my new life.

Breastfeeding is NOT the easiest thing in the world. With my first child I got really sick and never got to try. With my second, she had food allergies and was born prematurely. I pumped for about 8 months and then gave up because of her food allergies. She gained weight and got healthier after I stopped. And with this baby SINCE we have a pandemic, I know my milk will have antibodies in it and I am going to try hard to keep up breastfeeding. But that means I am on a wheat free diet. Why? Because she started to behave just like my older daughter with her food allergies, so I cut out the first food that made my daughter sick…wheat. And after 2 weeks of getting it out of my system, shes spitting up less. Next is dairy. I have actually been staying away from some other foods (slightly) but I really wanted to see if wheat was the issue. My other daughter got SO sick with wheat.

So here I am – a crazy mess. I am getting used to going places again (safely). We know that if the cases rise locally we will go back to virtual only, but my son… hes been struggling. We have been working with him on so much. He needs kids his own age, so at least we found a group that is pretty safe. The families tend to all believe in science and most are taking precautions like us.

My husband has had 6 weeks off with me, and pretty soon he goes back to work. I am going to try to juggle all 3 kids after that. I don’t know how I will do doctor visits when most say I CAN’T bring more than one kid… I really don’t know how I will do that…or my own dentist visit… heck I am not allowed anyone in that at all, ugh. I may have to reschedule so many things until stuff gets better.

We are also dealing with my upcoming surgery – yes I am planning to get my tubes tied, burned and ripped out! I do not want to have any more kids! I am done! But yeah that shouldn’t take too long to heal from hopefully. I also have to talk to my surgeon about the surgery I put off last year… that is gonna be fun. I have a cyst I need removed. In a delicate place. NOT FUN. And my husband … has TN… and he may need surgery, we have been referred to TWO neurosurgeons locally.

Life is never easy.

But we are both doing well. I am going to talk to my work about doing 4 hours a week to stay on payroll. Then maybe in another month I will add on 4 more hours (I really do not NEED to work) but I stay employed just to have a job. I am on staff PRN. So it works out for us!

Anything else? ehhhhh not so much… I am going to make some more posts soon about the co-op and the kids.

Oh did I forget to announce it here?

Okay fine… I have been holding off on announcing it here – mostly due to my lack of sleep and the fact that every time I sit down at my desktop… the baby cries …

Yes you read that correctly… baby.

Baby Rosalie Inez was born July 19th 2021 – she was 7lbs and is doing VERY well.

I will write a separate post about my labor and delivery later – I am not in the mood to get into that mess at this moment but I did go into labor sort of naturally. No real complications outside of the very last minutes of birth/delivery.

The morning of July 19th, I was sitting here at my desk. I stood up and my water broke… Kind of like the movies EXCEPT… I had a pad on because I actually thought I kept peeing myself all night long, so I guess I was trickling water from my amniotic sack. Which ended up being fine at the end.

I went right into the hospital and we started induction because my labor was NOT progressing – 12 hours later I had my baby girl in my arms. After 4 days we went home, finally. And I have been trying to adjust to being a mother to 3 kids. My hormones have been pretty up and down and today it hit me and I was a bit depressed but not PPD.

So now that Rosalie has been home for over a week now – we are able to relax, and get used to our new life. The dogs are still getting used to the baby and they are hyper around her so I have been keeping them from her until I feel that they are more calm. My one dog was like this with Lillian as well. But my older dog seems to be okay with it all.

My health? Oh so I am doing pretty good myself – my stomach / hips and other various body parts hurt a bit still – more achy than anything. So I have been taking it easy so I don’t hurt myself during my recovery. I am going to talk to my dr about permanent birth control (sterilization) at my 6 week appointment. Though… ugh… my husband has mentioned wanting a son, and I had to remind him that even if we tried again… I cannot promise the baby would be a boy… in fact…he has already given me 2 girls… so the odds I feel….would be … that we would get another girl. I just have a feeling.

And I would love more kids but my body can’t handle it. Again this labor was horrible at the end… I will honestly try to post soon about it. I had to take a week to run things through my mind again- but I personally would never like to see that ON CALL OBGYN ever again… or I might let her know how I felt about my labor. I will be complaining to MY doctor about her associate… I just feel the entire LAST part of my labor was just a mess.

Ugh anyways! I need to update my photo sometime on this website! I will work on that 🙂

I will update soon -we will be starting homeschool up again this coming week or so and I want to talk about my delivery. Keep up to date on the baby on my instagram and twitter (both links are on the right of my page here).

Updating – Audio Blog?

Alright – so I am going to be writing more often and with that – I will be introducing AUDIO to my blog. This will give my readers the option of listening to my blog…rather than having to read it? Episodes are read by an auto-reader right now but once I am up to date I may start to record my writings myself. Give me feedback on what you prefer if you can.

Side note: I am slowly converting old posts to audio and not ALL posts will be converted – if the post is mostly photos or something that is less than a minute long – the post will not be converted over. Conversion is done manually – so look for a “listen to audio” button on older posts, but it may take a few days for me to get caught up. 🙂

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