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More on depression (so please be aware that there is a TW on this post).
I can’t remember ever feeling free of emotions. I have always been anxious, a little paranoid about other’s intentions, and depressed once I hit my teens. It did not help that when I got into my teens I had some life altering events happen (the death of my nephew, my uncle was murdered, and I moved for the 2nd time across multiple states and lost all of my friends.)
I don’t feel that my depression is 100% triggered by those events though. I feel that mine is chemical. I can have everything going for me and I can still be depressed. I have my old online journal printed from when I was hospitalized in 2003 for my depression. That year, I went off to college but the day I moved, my mom and I got into a car accident with an 18 wheeler. That triggered one of the worst episodes of depression I have ever had.
I was not sleeping. I was not eating. I felt like dying. So I reached out to my RA at college, and was taken to a hospital for evaluation. But since I am a clever clog, I got released that night. Unfortunately for me, I was still very deeply depressed and was readmitted that week, and that next time I was not allowed out…for 2 weeks.
It is not hard to read my old online journal. I can relate to my youthful self, but I wonder why no one helped me sooner. Why did people not see the clear signs of depression and self harm? A few years ago an old friend apologized to me, because he said he saw my self harm scars and did nothing, and now he felt bad. I reassured him that it was not his fault, honestly it wasn’t. Everyone missed it.
When I was in therapy at college, (therapy was provided by the college after the first hospitalization), the therapist told me “I have no idea why you are depressed”, like I had to have a reason to be depressed. It made me feel like SHIT. Like I was broken… and useless.
During my time admitted for my depression, I met people in the ward. This is where things changed for me. I was the youngest person in the ward, so all of the adults… ranging in various ages… helped me. One friend, Frank, who I still remember, helped me feel safe when I felt like everything had been ripped from me. We would take naps in the common area and we would watch over one another because people would steal stuff from you if they were too mentally unstable or just jerks.
Frank was admitted because he tried to jump off of a telephone pole. The poor guy. He was just as broken as me and only a few years older than me. I bonded with a few others, an alcoholic who was doing through some withdrawals, a few other severely depressed women, and a woman who tried to break out of the unit with a plastic spoon. I remember my dumb ass room mate at college, who knew me in high school, sent me a fresh set of clothes…… a short mini skirt…dude…I was in a hospital…wtf was she even thinking!!!
My experience would have been very different…. if I was sent to another hospital. I had a friend who was also …sort of a stalker…. When I was admitted to the hospital…he somehow got himself admitted but since they only had one bed in the unit, they put me in it and he went to another state run hospital hours away. That could have been me. He later told me about his experience there, it sounded horrible.
Not all hospitals are good.
What was I thinking?
So… what was I thinking at the time of my hospitalization? I am breaking down walls here… I broke these walls down ages ago but I think it’s time to remind myself why I got help… what it was like… so here you are… here are parts of a post from back in the day….(I am going to only put parts of it here because…I loved to write back then).
“Why did I break down my walls and tell someone… I just stared out the window. I felt dizzy. My hands were numb. The paramedic just watched me, he looked like he was in a daze. I over heard him and the police officer talk, he gave him the papers and said something about me being at the hospital recently, I think this guy knew I needed help. I didn’t cry during that ambulance trip.”
I will save you the teenage angst from the posts though, lol.
“Night times were hell for me. I couldn’t sleep. And half the times they didn’t want to give me medication for it. One night, I tried to sleep for an hour and it didn’t work, so I walked slowly out of my room at about 1 am. I scared the workers who watched over us at night, I walked up to their glass window, and they just looked at me. I guess everyone else was sleeping and they asked what was wrong and kinda distanced themselves from me. I mumbled how i couldn’t sleep. And they told me to take a seat in the big room while the nurse went to get me sleeping pills. I wouldn’t mind not sleeping if they didn’t watch me all day, and notice I was tired… I didn’t want to sleep in the big room… some people frightened me. I am only 4’11” and I weighed 105 lbs, I am NOT BIG. So I took their sleeping pills. It was either that or listen to my disk man and cry all night.”
“I was off suicide watch.”
Those words… hurt to read now. Because it was a lie…to get community time. I had to sign papers stating that I would go to the doctors if I felt suicidal. But if I didn’t sign those papers, I got no community lunch… no community time outside with everyone else. I had to eat lunch alone. It was …so uncomfortable…
“I remember being Q15 for a few days, every day the people would ask me if i wanted to hurt myself, usually I said no. But I really didn’t feel like telling them if i did. When I did, I stayed in my camera room, the suicide room, for a few days. I usually didn’t go there in the day time, I tried to stay positive, i slowly got over my social anxiety disorder while in the hospital, well only around the other people there, because most of them understood everything i was going through, the racing thoughts, crying for no reason, not knowing why…but you would like to hurt yourself.”
Just a note….Q15 was suicide watch. They checked on me every 15 minutes….. dude….They would put me in a room where I couldn’t have any shoe laces, belts… nothing. It had a camera… bars on the windows… I got moved to level 2 from Q15 the same day as my friend Frank.. he talked me into signing the papers about safety.
I wrote a lot about my experiences when I was younger, it helps me to look back at them… to remind myself what I have over come.
“I felt ashamed.”
A sentence that hits me hard. I was ashamed to be depressed. I was ashamed to tell my mother I was in the hospital… no one told her. On day 3, I was able to call her. She was in another state visiting my sister. So no one could come pick me up. I was admitted for 2 weeks….
“It was 6 am when they woke me, oh man, that was so early. They checked everyone’s vitals, yep… I was alive. I couldn’t believe this wasn’t some cruel dream.”
Okay so my dog is alerting me that she is upset that I am upset… so I need to let her be a good dog… I am actually thinking of training her more to be kind of an emotional support dog… just not with any traveling… just home stuff. Anytime I get sad… she nudges into my arms and puts her face near mine… she currently will not leave me alone. I know writing will help me feel better, but things are just bad today. Today my mood dipped pretty low. My arms hurt.
I may be posting more again soon … I am posting for therapy reasons. I feel better when I write. And I feel very isolated right now… I need this.
Sometimes I can’t keep up with myself. Mental illness…
For a long time I hid it. For many years in my teens, I let it live my life for me. I want to open up here about it…
Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety disorder, that is what I have, at least that is what I have been told. I have also been told that I have issues with my father, which are true. But they do not weigh me down.
Right now I am on a 2 week vacation from my medication. I know it’s not always a good idea to go off medication, but my medication causes some side affects. I needed a break from them temporarily, but now I have to start going back on my meds to get a hold of my depression again. It takes my body about 2 full weeks to get back to the point of depression where I feel hopeless…
I am about 2 days into that feeling, maybe more… But I finally noticed I had been distancing myself from a few friends online and that is how I notice it.
Let me open up here…. when I was teen I used to self harm… A LOT. Somehow my doctors never noticed it and never diagnosed me with depression until I was hospitalized for having suicidal thoughts and threatened my life at age 18 … and someone finally got me hospitalized. I have my journal from “those days”, so I can remember what I went through.
So when I got old enough to get piercings… I turned to that to get my pain to let my self hatred out. My piercer knew I did this and we talked about it. He was a nice guy. He saw the burns on my arms and told me he would rather give me a piercing, and help me not hurt myself in other ways. And it helped…. I had quite a bit of piercings, eye brow, nose, various other body parts… But I finally found something that stopped me….
It took years…
When I got pregnant with my son…I made him a promise. To get better.
I have not hurt myself since 2007. I still think about it when I get into my severe depressive episodes. But that’s when I realize I need my medication. I have a chemical imbalance… I have tried “natural” ways to get over my severe reoccurring depression… they don’t work for me. Medication and some therapy has helped. But I am no where near perfect.
I have found my tribe online – others who have gone through similar depressive episodes and anxiety and they help me. So when people tell me my “online friends” are not real, I get mad. My “online” friends have been here for me emotionally when my family has no clue what I am going through.
I was told once… THAT…”You have nothing to be depressed about”. Which …. really pisses me off…again its a chemical imbalance… I do not WANT to be depressed. I want to be happy like every other person.
I need to vent this because today has been really hard… I love my family. I love the life I have. But when my depression hits me I cry, I feel fragile. I feel like I did back when I was teen hurting myself. For a while back in NJ… I was handling myself pretty well off of medication… I did find comfort in having some really good supportive friends…. and frequent trips to the beach at midnight helped me….
My brain is everywhere again. I can tell when I get too down when I NEED…. background noise. I can’t work, I can’t live …with out having something in the background taking my mind off of myself… my own inner pain…
I get a lot of flashbacks from various life events that my brain wants to relive.
I personally would love to forget these specific life events but … with depression comes my racing thoughts. I can make a different post about each of these events (with names changed) but today I am almost out of time.
I just needed to vent a bit before I go to a family event… my brain kept racing this morning. I won’t hurt myself….so don’t worry. But I am struggling right now. I don’t mean to push anyone away right now. But I know when I need to let you all know that I am hurting right now.
I am going back on my meds tomorrow (a lower dose) but I am going back on them to help. My social anxiety is causing issue with me actually getting another therapist. My favorite psychiatrist left when I got pregnant 2 years ago. I was so angry he left… I felt like I could actually trust him. And of course…all the good ones leave. It takes a special person for me to respect them and want to talk about my life issues…things I probably won’t mention on here… things… I don’t really hide but I respect what people have gone through enough to not share certain facts …
I wish the stigma with depression and mental illness was not so … bad… I can’t think of a nice word other than that. I hate STIGMA.
Sorry my thoughts feel like they are everywhere today…
What do you do to handle your depression or anxiety? I have been living with this since I was maybe 13…. I am now 34. So over 20 years now.
My anxiety is telling me to not post this but my depression says I need to vent… so we will see how this post is received. I have been just distancing myself… trying not to… but I feel like I want to just sleep all day again.
I hate depression….
Depression lies #thebloggesstribe
Just remember that….
With my son home from his father’s summer visit, we are trying to get back into our normal homeschooling schedule. I have to plan out this year and I am also getting my son into a musical instrument! I am trying to get him to pick out a ‘traditional marching band instrument.
I personally own a few instruments already but I want to find one he will enjoy and has an interest in. Just because we are homeschooling doesn’t mean he has to miss out on learning an instrument.
I am looking for an online learning program currently – and I will look into private lessons as well soon. If anyone has any suggestions, please comment on this post! 🙂
In the mean time, I am looking for some pre-k education materials for my daughter, it’s early, as she is still very young, but I would like to introduce materials to her now.
My son’s birthday party is tomorrow. He will be 11 this coming week. I just cannot believe how much he has grown in the past few years. We are exploring orthodontist options as well, he will need braces eventually but we don’t know exactly when. He is missing a few adult teeth – but those baby teeth are not out yet. So I don’t think we have to rush just yet.
I am trying to get back into writing again. I took some time off after the dog attack. But I am still here. I just have a lot going on.
Updates: My daughter is ALMOST walking on her own – she is taking steps, shes just not doing it all the time. My son is home with me again after a month away at his father’s.
My son loves to play with his Nerf guns, like any other 10 year old boy. So when I heard about Hely Cancy Direct and their children’s tactical vests, I had to get my son one! As most of you all know, my son has been away for a month, he just got back this weekend and I decided to give him this tactical gear today and he was so excited to put it on! It fits perfectly!
About the product: This gear comes with the following: Kids Tactical Vest Kit Compatible with Nerf Guns N-Strike Elite Series with Refill Darts, Reload Clips, Tactical Mask, Wrist Band and Protective Glasses (You can choose out of three different colors, we chose the blue.)
The vest has adjustable side straps to change the size to fit your child best. We adjusted these since my son is a bit on the smaller side, but once we fit it to him, it was perfect! The face mask fits PERFECTLY! My son felt really excited to try it on, and he said it was very cool. The gear comes with a bunch of Nerf compatible darts, so far they have fit all of my son’s Nerf guns! It comes with safety glasses, which my son instantly wanted to wear. And more dart holders (the vest really packs in a lot of ammo!)
This is the perfect accessory for any kid (girl or boy), who is really into Nerf. I feel that it makes the experience more exciting. If you don’t like blue, check out their other colors! They have an option for everyone!
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Per my promise to my readers, the product we received has been tested by my family and I. We approve of this item and we only advertise products we would personally buy ourselves and enjoy! This was an advertisement, but also an amazing product!
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