Lillian is 18 months old!

Time flies when you are having fun being a mom. My daughter turned 18 months old yesterday and I still cannot believe how fast time is going by. I really do feel like she was born only a few months ago, but she is in fact a toddler now. She is almost walking (some of you know about her occupational therapy she gets a few times a month.) I actually spoke to her OT and they said they might be done soon with her, because once she is walking, they feel she is catching up pretty fast now!

I am getting really excited because Lillian is at the stage of ‘walking’ where she is holding on to anything to stand but she won’t let go yet. She will stand up and stand still, but no actual walking. But I can tell she is very close.

Ever since we got a real diagnosis for her food allergies, I feel better about feeding her new things. Because now her doctors know I am not crazy. She has a real allergy. I feel some what validated.

This month is going to be hard, my son is on his trip to see his father in Indiana, and this will be Lillian’s second summer with out her brother around. I think she might actually notice him missing this year, unlike last year. She even knows when the grandmother clock is going to gong, she usually will announce it to me. She is very smart, I cannot wait to see what kind of little kid she will become.

Today I got a hair cut for the first time in 2 years. I cannot believe it took me this long, but I used to work full time, I have two kids, both of which have some sort of special needs, at different times. And up until recently, I just haven’t made time for myself. So I went and got my hair clipped about 4 to 5 inches!

My hair used to be to my waist…

I don’t mind that it is shorter. I like that it feels HEALTHY. I will also post photos soon on twitter of my new hair color. It’s not “drastic” but its different, than the color above. (Yes I dyed my hair tonight as well!)

I wanted to post photos tonight but its the kind of hair color that shows up much better in the sun. My hair is already pretty dark and the photos I took in the bathroom do not do the hair dye justice. So I will figure something out and post to twitter later today or tomorrow. I might do another dye to make it brighter if I don’t think its bright enough in the sun.

I am not bleaching my hair to color it by the way. I have done that in the past and I feel that with my curls, it ruined my hair. I am just trying to add a different shade to my already dark brown hair. And I let my husband pick out the color at the store the other day, he did a decent job at it I must say. He knows I am trying to make some self improvements, to be happier. I used to do this sort of stuff all the time, but since about 7 years ago, things just got to be too much.

I want to change that.

I even mentioned to him that I might want a new tattoo. I have some ideas but I might be going to twitter to see if anyone there that follows me might be able to help me find the perfect addition to my current tattoos. This won’t be something I get soon, this is a project that I will be working on to find the perfect addition to my two tattoos on my back. I am not the type of person to get tattoos everywhere of random things, all of my tattoos have meanings. Both are in remembrance of my uncles, both of which have significance in my life.

My uncle June Bug (nick name), his real name is Enrique, was murdered in 1999. I remember him as being a very gentle and polite man. His tattoo was my first, its a kokopelli. I am native american and he gave me a necklace the last time I saw him a live of a kokopelli (and yes I know what the kokopelli stands for.) My other uncle passed away a few years ago and I will admit I didnt know him well. I got to know him through his journals after he died. I worked at the hospital he passed away at, and I checked on him for family by visiting him during my lunch times for a few weeks/months.

Eventually my family called me and told me hospice said he was dying, I was the only person close enough to make it to him. I held his hand as he died. He had tattoos of some butterflies on his chest. So I added some butterflies to my back for him. I would like my next tattoo to represent my struggles with my depression, I want to document how strong I can be.

But I am having a hard time actually picking something, and a body part to put it on. So I will reach out on twitter and here for some advice soon.

As I said earlier, I am working on myself. I have let too many people treat me like crap for too long. I never used to do that. So I am going to be myself again. I can’t always fit in. And I honestly don’t want to anymore. I love my kids and my husband, and I feel closer than ever to my husband after a bunch of junk happened recently.

I think we needed this change in life. I have connected to some other family members recently and I feel so happy to have such good support online, via the bloggess tribe, my twitter tribe, my besties from NJ, my family, and my husband and kids.

Thank you all for the support.

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Custody arrangements

I have my son 11 months out of the year, which is amazing. But this month is the one month of the year that he visits his father in Indiana. (We live in New Mexico, so it’s pretty far.) It’s always hard to send my child off to see his father. I appreciate the fact that his father does see him in the summers though, but it’s still hard to let a child go off. I only get 1x a week video chats while he is away (until I get him a cell phone at least). My son is only 10 years old, we have been doing this since he was about 3 years old. So I am relatively used to this.

My son’s father and I get along for the most part. We disagree about some things, but honestly, it could be worse. My son has two half brothers in Indiana, so he gets to hang out with them and his cousins. I am a child of divorce and I understand how important these trips are to a child, which is why I never fought them. The only thing I fought was child support and time frames of trips. I trust his father to take care of him, but my son has some issues as I mentioned in the past (adhd, etc) and its very difficult for him to understand that.

Today I dropped my son off at the airport, it was hard. But this year I didn’t cry, yet. I know he will miss his sister, so I sent him with photos, and told him I would skype him some more soon. I don’t know how his sister will do with out him, she is so used to seeing him around. I am sure she will miss him this month.

Cool cars at the airport (ps he is using the new backpack I got from Backpacks.com !)

We had a great week… this was his last week as a 5th grader in home school. While he is away I plan on working on the 6th grade curriculum. My neighbor offered for me to talk to his wife, who taught children for a long time. I might take him up on that offer, since he said she could possibly help me pick a curriculum for my son.

I have been picking up hours at work because the girl I work with is out for a bit. I am trying to not get too much on my plate though. I have been busy being depressed. We brought items over from my Grandma In Law’s house, and it’s been really hard to think she is no longer around. My depression is just kind of hitting hard this week. I made sure to take my medication, I had to stop for a few days because of other medication that made me sick.

In regards to issues I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago – my husband and I have gotten closer. This issue has brought us closer. I love the support I receive from him and I think he is understanding things a bit more. We have had more talks about certain issues. I also have a family member who reached out to me recently – and I am thankful for her. I am not going to mention names, or how she is related but she has been very supportive of my husband and I. And now we talk a bit more… it’s really nice.

I am feeling a bit better – besides the chemical imbalance that I suffer. I found out that my “vocal chord dysfunction” might be acting up. I have been thinking it was bronchitis, but I have been having very similar symptoms to my VCD diagnosis that I had a few years ago. So I am going to ask my doctor what I could possibly do to fix this.

I am going to try to write more often again. I fell off the band wagon for a bit. Too much going on emotionally with the death of two family members. It triggered my depression and I tend to get very withdrawn with depression. Thankfully I haven’t harmed myself in years. The thoughts still come and go. Self harm was something hard to break from. When I had my son almost 11 years ago, I promised him as a baby that I would not hurt myself. And I have kept that promise, even though I spent years hurting myself. The scars may not be visible anymore, but the feelings are still there.

Don’t worry I am safe. I will not harm myself. My children are everything to me. And I know that depression lies. #thebloggestribe

I got my DNA results on Ancestry.com

I have honestly wanted to get my DNA tested to see exactly what I am for the longest time. (But generally the cost was just too high for me.) This past Mother’s Day, my husband gifted me an Ancestry DNA kit. Finally, I can see what I am. I knew what my mother, grandmother, and my sister were because they actually did DNA kits a few years ago, but I was wondering what I got from my father’s side.

These are my results!

Along with finding out what percentages I am… I also was connected to THOUSANDS of family members! When my husband did his DNA results, he only matched to a few people, but apparently my family members love DNA tests and I am connected to around 6,000 “close family” and over 69,000 distant matches!

I found out I am less German than my family believed, and I am more “English & Northwestern European.” I am about as native american as my family thought, because my mother previously had her DNA tested, we had an idea. But I did pick up less “spanish” than I thought I would get. My mother’s DNA showed up 30% spanish… so and I only got 4%. It’s interesting how DNA is split up.

I am actually surprised I have any IRISH at all in me. I would often joke to my husband that I have NO IRISH in me. My husband had this DNA test done earlier this year and he is 63% Irish. We were talking about how Irish our daughter might be, because she picked up a lot of my husband’s traits, rather than mine. I told my husband that I can wear shirts that say “a wee bit Irish” now.

This is me!

My husband bought me the DNA test for Mother’s Day of this year and it took a little less than a month to get my full report! This post is NOT sponsored by Ancestry. But if you would like a discount on your ancestry kit, you could use MY code below!

https://t.co/ZcPm2xMbcy

https://t.co/ZcPm2xMbcy

FPIES

I have talked about food allergies on here before and we have mentioned how my daughter might have FPIES, since all of her symptoms fit perfectly. We went to an allergist back in October 2018 and the allergist said all the tests came out normal, and that we should just watch what we feed my daughter. But we got no diagnosis at the time.

So I called my daughter’s PCP and requested a second allergist to be called since I wanted a real diagnosis. I let her dr now that I thought it was FPIES. Her doctor is a new doctor and looked up the symptoms and suggested it might be FPIES as well, but wanted an allergist as well to look at her. The appointment was scheduled for 8 months later, because pediatric allergists are hard to come by in my town apparently and since my daughter was gaining weight and we were handling symptoms pretty decently, we did not need an emergency appointment.

Yesterday we saw the allergist and I am happy to say that we were right in our diagnosis.

Our diagnosis and follow up visit have been scheduled (there is not much we can do for FPIES) other than trial foods very carefully.

My daughter will see this doctor again when she is 3 to trial all of her old foods she has been allergic to. Until then we have been suggested to see a GI doctor for anything else since this is more stomach related. We have an appointment for August, which we will discuss with the GI any options on seeing a dietary doctor for food ideas.

My main issue with this food allergy is that my daughter isn’t getting everything she needs from her foods she currently eats. She is allergic to Oats, Rice, Wheat, (some corn sensitivities), pineapple, broccoli, turkey… and so that leaves us with a lot of foods she CAN have right now but I want to ensure she is getting all the vitamins she needs for her brain and body to grow at a healthy rate for her age.

I am just relieved this is just FPIES. The doctor said it sounds like classic fpies, the triggers, the time line…everything.

FPIES can be outgrown… so we are hoping her stomach matures. We hope her body will stop rejecting these foods. But now that her PCP will be told that she has FPIES, we can treat it with out him worrying so much. He was hesitant on giving us medication for the vomiting , but now that he knows that its a normal reaction for fpies, and that zofran is often used in the care for FPIES patients, hopefully we can just have support from our regular doctor.

BTW, I am super sick right now- so even posting this took a lot out of me. I have another post I would like to make, but my goodness…I just can’t. I don’t have the spoons to make that post right now…. #thebloggesstribe

Don’t let other’s bring you down… just don’t.

It’s irritating when people try to bring you down. It’s even more irritating when you realize you have been letting certain people make a negative impact in your life for far too long, with out speaking up for yourself, or the ones you love.

I make it fairly obvious that I suffer from MDD (major depressive disorder) and a social anxiety disorder. Don’t let the blog name fool you, I am an open book. I don’t have many secrets, and the ones I do have are pretty lame. I grew up all around the United States and learned how to read people. I told myself years ago while living in New Jersey that I would grow up to be a strong independent woman like my mother. A lot has happened in between. I have had two children, created a career for myself where I can work from home.

But I somehow still let certain people step on me.

My son has some mental illnesses… and it’s not fun. He has severe ADHD, a mood disorder (which we suspect is depression), sensory processing disorder and his PCP thought he might fall somewhere in the ASD scale…he doesn’t act his age and sometimes he can be a bit odd. But he’s a good person.

My son is not perfect. But I love him more than he could ever imagine. My son is learning and takes extra time and patience to teach him how to behave in “socially acceptable” ways to appease people who need everything rainbow coated in life. My son is 10 years old and he knows no different. He gets in trouble a lot because people don’t know how to deal with him. People get tired of him. And people… like a recent event that happened in my “family and friends”, dis-invite him to group gatherings.

When the “so called family member” texted me, instead of talking to me in person, I was shocked, for about a minute. Sorry to throw you off there, but this person is someone I see as being very selfish. I don’t care what family says right now, I have been told not to “write about it.” But this is MY place to write. I have been told that my friends on here are “random people” just today, by that family member. But the thing she doesn’t understand…or I guess care to know, is that I have actually known some of you for 13 or more years (which is longer than I have known her) and I actually have IRL friends here as well. This is how we keep in touch *waves to my friends from middle school*.

For the past 8 1/2 to 9 years, a certain person in my life has just always seemed a bit off. A bit more rude to people and less caring towards others. The way they decided to treat my son and I recently was the last straw. If you cannot talk to me in person about “behavior” you feel should be addressed, and tell me my child is not allowed somewhere, but that I can come around… then you don’t understand motherhood. YOU DO NOT DITCH YOUR CHILDREN.

My child is still, VERY MUCH a CHILD. He is not some unruly teenager full of angst and hate. He is a silly, kind of crazy, a bit annoying 10 year old. He talks a lot and likes to play fight. And if you don’t want him to play with your kid, then tell me and I can break it to him the way a mother SHOULD. It won’t kill us to not associate with you anymore. The only reason I will ever continue to see you is for the sake of my husband… who is linked to you because you are his SIL.

I will claim no family ties to you anymore. I have had to apologize to people who have mentioned you were rude multiple times, even recently. I have had to tell my family to ignore your rude comments for years. And I have had to put my own mental health on the side lines far too long.

If any family is reading this – just remember — Not everyone has to be friends. I know there are people YOU do not like to be around. But there is a line that was crossed recently and my children mean everything to me.

I will work on my son and I will teach him to appreciate himself. I will teach him to love himself. And to love others, even if they judge him harshly.

My son and I are on a brand new journey where I am homeschooling him. It is a ride all on it’s own, learning to teach a child with so many differences. I am enjoying seeing him every day. He is getting a lot better at home now. There are changes I see…now that he isn’t being bullied in school as well. My son used to tell me every day how much he hated school… because people bullied him. I know the kids’ names by heart that teased him the past few years. I knew what they called him. I had even witnessed it and reported it to the school. When people claim they know what issues my son had in school, they fail to mention what he has been through.

I am trying to heal a little person, who knows he is not “normal”. For all the moms out there with special children, you are doing an amazing job. Don’t let friends, family or anyone tell you otherwise. We take what we get. We have our children, and they might be a handful but they are OURS. They are ours to mold and teach to care for others, even if others shun them or fail to see the good parts in them.

This is about not letting you step on him, like you have tried to step on me.

I am keeping this post up. It’s my reminder to not let anyone bully me or my son again. I was bullied into thinking I needed to “delete” things on twitter to satisfy someone. But why?

Don’t let other’s bring you down. It is not worth your time. If you are in a situation like mine, right now or in the future… trust your instincts. Don’t be a fool and don’t conform. Be your self. I am going to teach my son that it is okay to be unique, but to also beware of those who are not there to help you in the long run.

This week has been hard because I didn’t get to hang out with any of my real friends, mostly because of this stupid cold. Everyone in my house has is, but I have horrible lungs apparently and mine decided to take in this cold like a freaking stray cat. So my best friend had to work out with out me, and I couldn’t talk on the phone much to my other friends because I couldn’t breathe. And get this …I couldn’t post stuff to my online friends because I was being harassed to “not post stuff”. So I was shut off away from my friends.

I found that I have some things to discuss with a therapist. Like how much I miss certain people who have recently passed away. I found myself crying about not being able to talk to my husband’s grandmother. She was always there for me. We emailed back and fourth about everything, I would call her when I needed to talk, and I would go to her home with the kids to visit. But she’s not here anymore for me to lean on. And this week I realized how much she has helped me deal with the stresses of knowing certain people. She would share her wise advice on how to deal with them.

And I miss her.

I mourn another person as well. My own grandmother, who lost her memories to Alzheimer’s years ago. She died recently as well. People just assumed I was okay with it. But no…I cried. I was named after this woman. I wanted her to know my children. The last time she looked at me, I was a stranger to her. But I will always remember her.

I have already come to terms that I will no longer be part of that “group”. But to me, I cannot and I will not choose some people over my own flesh and blood.

My son has been there for me through so much. He and I were abandoned by his father, for another woman. My son and I went through that loss together, no matter how young my son was, he was there for me. His little face gave me hope that I would some day find someone who would love him as much as I do. And I found that person in my husband. My husband has been there for me these past 9 years. He has been through the struggles with me, and my son.

I am happy he chose to be by my side during this battle that we are currently having in life. It shows me he really did make the commitment when we got married, to take my son on as his own flesh and blood. It gives me hope that my son will have someone to look up to and learn from.

I hope that over the years, all of our children will be able to see how great of a father they have. I am thankful to have a husband who loves me for who I am, who is faithful to me, and is someone I can trust 100%.

Sorry about this very long and personal post but it just bugs me when people try to step on me and my family. I think a lot of us get stuck in situations like these and often forget how to get out – or that we can take a breath.

I am here to say you can. In the mean time – I am going to focus on BOTH of my children’s health and my own.

We are currently waiting for my son to get a new therapist, which is going to be great, since his last one left when my daughter was born, this has been a rough year for my son. We tried a new therapist last year but they didn’t work out. Healthcare can be tricky.

I am trying to decide if I want to get him back into occupational therapy as well. Currently my daughter’s occupational therapy has been brought down to TWICE a month instead of weekly! She is making improvements daily! And we have an appointment this week with an allergist to talk about FPIES and see what other allergy advice we can get. We rescheduled her GI dr appt to August because she was sick this week with a bad cold. So we are always making improvements.

And I have decided to start recording and trying recipes online here for you all who have children with food allergies. I would like to share what I am learning about cooking for a child with FPIES to oats, wheat, rice, pineapple, broccoli , etc…

Thank you to all of my real friends and family for being supportive of me at all times. Thank you for private messaging me when you knew I was under attack on twitter. Thank you for reassuring me of so many things. I have made a few new friends from this situation as well, which is funny to say, but I had a ton of mothers online reach out to me, who have been through similar situations. Like almost IDENTICAL. And it really opened my eyes that I don’t have to go through this alone. And neither do you. (points to the moms out there struggling).

You just need to find your tribe. Mine happen to like really bad taxidermy. #thebloggesstribe

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